The GOP Candidates Run for Young Trustee

Moderator: Ladies and gentlemen of Duke University, welcome. I’m Chief Principal Executive Moderator of the DSG Electoral system. It’s on my resume. And these robes are “business casual.” We’re gathered here to listen to a select few of your nominees for Young Trustee. I’d like to remind you all that there is no videorecording permitted during the debate with the exception of cleverly captioned Snapchats. Let’s get right into it. Candidates, please briefly introduce yourselves. Continue reading “The GOP Candidates Run for Young Trustee”


What I Say in Networking Sessions and Interviews:

What I Mean in Networking Sessions and Interviews:

“I’m fascinated by the dynamic nature of interdisciplinary pursuits.”

“I went to the Career Center once to use the bathroom.”

“I’m an avid reader. I just finished Infinite Jest, and I really find that its effulgence is undermined by its tedium.”

“I have heard of Infinite Jest.”

“I’m great with people. I excel at engaging people in conversation.”

“I am having trouble engaging in this conversation.”

“I have expert knowledge with Excel.”

“I’m 20 years old and I possess a computer.”

“I have expert knowledge of social media.”

“I’m 20 years old and I possess a computer and 924 fake friends.”

“His values and mine don’t align, but I was able to overcome our differences and move forward with our goal.”

“He peed on the floor of our common room and I had to clean it up.”

“I’m familiar with the typical college social scene and have no problem navigating it.”

“I have consumed Aristokrat vodka while sitting on the floor of a taxi.”

“One of my peers…”

“Someone whose tongue has been in my mouth.”

“One of my co-workers…”

“Someone I met at this event ten minutes ago.”

“One of my co-peers…”

“I have been drinking.”

“My professional experience is comprehensive and transcendent.”

“I have a LinkedIn.”