tallman's porsche

march 2016 :

Duke Consults for Diversity
Lunch?
Recommendation Letter for Tallman Trask
All the times you wish it was socially acceptable to use a car horn while not driving
Durham Duchess
S.A.D. Ice Bucket Challenge
UPDATED* New Year’s Resolutions 2016
Community Still Reeling From Wealthy White Student’s Rejection From Top Frat
Kanye’s Twitter drafts
None of the Above
The Lovers’ Gift Giving Guide
Department Of endorses SOMEONE for DSG President

Duke Consults for Diversity

~*leaked*~
OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT
A Meeting of Very Important* People to Discuss a Very Important Problem
(and a somewhat smaller, less important PR problem re: “diversity”)
Duke University, Spring 2016

*Importance determined by salary, relative whiteness (in skin and spirit), and ability to not cry while selling Duke students’ souls to AccentureTM.

President Richard “Dick” Brodhead: Thank you for convening on short notice all the way in this conference room at Stanford University to discuss the pressing matter of a contingency plan for our next Mini Golf outing. But while we are all conveniently here, we might as well take care of discussing diversity for a few minutes. Let’s go around and have everyone give their update on efforts to diversify Duke and their first preference for a mini-golf relocation. Sally?

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Lunch?

Sunday, 12:37 pm

A: Hey, so great running into you outside soc psych the other day! Just following up on the whole “let’s get lunch” thing haha
B: Haha pretty sure that was soc sci but yeah totally when’s good for you?
A: I’m pretty swamped for the next 2 weeks :/ but I should have some time the week of the 7th.
B: Ugh ok shoot that’s when I have all my projects due.
A: Actually let me double check on this week — I think I should be good this Thursday?
B: Wait that sounds good actually – let’s do 12:30?
A: Yay! We can pick where to go then!

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Recommendation Letter for Tallman Trask

To Whom It May Concern:

I noticed Tallman between January and March of 1994 but did not have the pleasure of making his acquaintance until June 6th 2006. It was a year after some personal problems and just months after Duke’s Lacrosse Scandal began when I found him sitting at my hometown bar – He’s Not Here, a property I own. Great bar– I’ve made a lots of deals there.

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All the times you wish it was socially acceptable to use a car horn while not driving

  • You get stabbed in the face by a  shorter person’s umbrella
  • You walk behind an incredibly slow person on a narrow path where you can’t pass them
  • Stacey Dash walks on stage at the Oscar’s
  • An insufferable asshole in your class repeats  a comment
  • Someone starts mansplaining your major to you
  • Some punks  leave their trash on the table
  • You get sprayed with Miller Lite at a darty
  • You’re at a darty
  • Your professor fails to see your raised hand
  • Your professor sees your raised hand and fails to acknowledge you
  • You hold the door open for  someone and get no words or gestures of gratitude
  • You’re trying to get the attention of the bus driver, whose bus you’re running for
  • You hear someone defending Donald Trump
  • You get hit by Tallman Trask’s car
  • R. Kelly sings, “So baby gimme that toot toot. And let me give you that …

S.A.D. Ice Bucket Challenge

I’m disappointed in you, America. Not for deep frying butter or refusing to adopt the metric system, but for once again forgetting about that other holiday on February 14th. It’s Single Awareness Day— one more reason to be S.A.D. on Valentine’s Day. February 14th came and went this year without much public acknowledgement of the malady commonly known as “being single”. It’s time we start truly spreading awareness for The Singles.

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Community Still Reeling From Wealthy White Student’s Rejection From Top Frat

A porcelain-skinned and conventionally attractive freshman at a top institution is still reeling from not getting a bid from a highly coveted top fraternity. After an extensive rush process of heavy drinking, desperate attempts make new “friends”, and several episodes of mild existential dread, the student was completely devastated to find his lone bid was from a mid-tier fraternity.

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