House of Cards: DSG Edition

INT. OUTSIDE DSG OFFICE – NIGHT

(The glass door of the DSG office comes into view. One of those stray birds that somehow lives in the BC crashes into the door and plops on the ground.)

(A shadow opens the DSG office and pauses to gaze the seizing bird on the ground. The shadow comes into view as FRANCIS UNDERWOOD – a power hungry frat boy with skin about as orange as his Vineyard Vines. He has the charm of LMo, the viciousness of Nifong, and the sensitivity of Trask driving through a BLM protest. He crouches down and removes his wrap-around sunglasses, indoors mind you, to examine the BIRD CHIRPING near death.)

(A stalky STUDENT SENATOR stands behind Frank as he’s still crouched over the dying bird.)

STUDENT SENATOR

She’s on to us.

FRANK

(sarcastically)

Is she now?

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Duke Missed Connections

You: a Chi Omega with Hunter rain boots and a Patagonia quarter-zip.

Me: ECE major with a HackDuke tee and Microsoft hoodie. You walked out of the student store in the BC and passed by the APB as I was reluctantly eating my hundredth caesar chicken wrap. I fell head over heels in love as you tried to hide the pop tarts you bought under a Kind bar and Fiji water. You’re “key three” to me.

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Some Things are Forever

Dear Diary,

My life is over. These last few months have been agonizing and I’m scared that things will never get better. I can’t remember the last night I didn’t cry myself to sleep which is starting to gross me out because my lab partner, Sheila, told me that tears are 90% urine even though I think she’s wrong because Yahoo Answers says it’s not true. Stupid Sheila.

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Airing Your Dirty Laundry

We’re spreading. Every hallway of every dorm feels our presence. We mark our territory with our iconic signature: the purple laundry bag. You already know who it is. We’re affiliated with that student-run “company”, the lifeblood of this university that cleans your room and gives you food and mattresses. We are Laundrymenandwomen. You leave your dirty clothes outside your dorm room and we return them washed, dried, folded, and sorted by color scheme and/or days of the week if you’re into that sort of regimented underwear (and if you need the help of strangers to wash your clothes and clean your room, we’re guessing that you are). But it’s time you start relying on Laundrymenandwomen even more to accomplish life’s menial tasks that you simply can’t be bothered to do. We’re rebranding. We’ve always been the heroes Duke doesn’t deserve and definitely doesn’t need, but we want to do even more. Behold, the expanded lists of services we now provide to spare you from becoming a functioning adult.

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A GroupMe Plea

Groupme HQ

NYC, NY

Dear whomever it may concern,

I have a serious, formal complaint concerning your app known as “GroupMe”, which has caused me great distress. Let me ask you, have you ever used your app? If you have, there’s likely been a time when your joke fell short. When your invitation for your 21st birthday party to a group of 11 close friends went completely un-hearted. When your own mother doesn’t even favorite your birthday message in the family group chat… the list goes on indefinitely. Let me ask you, sirs, have you have ever felt distraught, depressed, desolate at the mercy of those empty, empty hearts?! Have you felt the shame of sending a message to your Orgo study group instead of your best friend group about your graphic, personal relationship problems? I know that I am not alone in these heart-wrenching feelings of failure and embarrassment. I have seen many a friend fall into deep sadness after their punchline failed to draw the crowd’s approval, or drop out of a class because they can no longer look their peers in the eyes. I can tell you are still skeptical. Let me walk you through the horrible mental deterioration that occurs in this situation.

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FAQ’s With Duke’s Career Center

Q: Where do most Duke Students gravitate towards after college?

A: We really can’t say. Duke is a liberal arts university and we encourage students down a multitude of post-undergraduate paths. In the career center, we have the tools to assist students interested in a diverse array of careers.

Q:I feel like Duke is finance oriented. How do I approach the job hunt if I am not interested in this sector?

A: We are not just about finance at the career center. We have great relationships with all types of companies and firms outside of the banking sector. Have you thought about opportunities at companies like Mckinsey or Boston Consulting Group? We recommend starting with these opportunities. Explore!

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Reminder: Don’t Die Today

In what has become an epidemic across Duke’s campus, another student was found dead due to starvation late Friday night.

Pratt junior Michael Smith passed away in a Perkins third floor cubicle in a pool of his own urine, curled up in the fetal position with pieces of lined paper stuffed up in the side of his mouth. According to early reports, Smith had forgotten to schedule eating into his calendar.

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