You don’t deserve my Chronicle Op-Ed. My opinions on Duke’s institutional policies on how Duke should approach Greek life are far too intelligent for you. What I have to say about the Israel-Palestine conflict is beyond your understanding. In fact, my comments on wealth, the Duke social scene, or even politics cannot even be comprehended by your everyday mind. I wish I could share with you my radical, nuanced opinion on what should become of Greek life on campus, but your tiny brain would not understand. For everyone else here, getting accepted to Duke was an accomplishment; for me, it was a blip eclipsed by my acceptances to Harvard and Yale, and made entirely inconsequential by the sagacious thoughts passing through my brain at any given second.
Frankly, Duke’s humdrum problems bore me. The answers to your questions of how wealth inequality impacts students, responses to graduate staff stepping down, or the CHP plant are simple to me. I wish I could share them in an article, but where you see a linear scale of arguments, I’m capable of seeing the issue in a spectra of all possible viewpoints. In issues like K-ville opening or closing you see two sides. If I were to try to explain how I see this issue, I would say I visualize it in four dimensions and can see each point in those four dimensions as an aspect to this problem and solving for the cumulative quantum superposition of the points provided me the answer. But that would be trivializing my thought process.
I have viewed campus housing in more dimensions than you’re capable of imagining, and have the perfect solution to campus community, but you’re more likely to single-handedly design and fly a ship to the moon than even grasp how I could solve the issues of freshman move-in.
I wish I were able to share my solutions with you all, but until your brains grow 10x in power, I’m embarrassed to even communicate with most of you. Even writing this column, I’ve wasted an amount of time in which I could’ve processed more impressive thoughts than you could accomplish in your entire lifetime. Irregardless, to bring you a little closer to my level of intelligence, I’ll close this column and grace you all with the very beginning of my advanced thoughts on K-ville: LMo was right.