My Week with Mickey

From the moment I saw you for the first time, I couldn’t look away.
You were just so interesting. So mysterious. So much drama and intrigue. Plus you had an air of exclusivity that made you all the more desirable.
I knew you wouldn’t take me as I am, however. So I decided to change.
First, a new name and a Facebook profile to match.  Something that seemed more mature, more experienced, more technology inept. Mickey Barnes, that would work.

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Rejected SOFC Groups

Over the summer, I worked with the UCAE office approving student organizations for the 2017-2018 school year. In my line of work, certain club proposals are considered especially heinous. The dedicated paper-pushers who read these mind-numbing propositions are members of an elite squad known as broke college students who will take any summer job thrown their way. Here are some examples of the type of shit we have to endure.

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How to Get Out of Anything Over Fall Break

Friday

 Ah fall break you’ve made it home and can finally relax.  You fall back on your couch, prop your feet up on the table, pick up the remote and switch some Netflix onto the TV. Your phone buzzes, and you die just a little bit inside.  It’s a message from your one annoying friend from home.  You’re pretty sure you can just wait this one out and not respond.  A few hours into The Office, and there’s a second message from your friend.  You’ll respond in an hour.  Just as you finish a season and go to put on 30 Rock, a third one pops up.  “the worst possible thing has happened,” you respond, “I have the plague—a strain broke out at Duke”

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Students Respond to Drop in Rankings

  • I heard PiKapp’s pledge class wasn’t too good this year; that could’ve been it.
  • Honestly, 2017 has been such a crazy year, it doesn’t even surprise me. I mean, Trump, ISIS, North Korea, all these hurricanes, California wildfires…  There’s no rhyme or reason to what’s going on.
  • But we’re still better than UNC, right?
  • Well, last time I got pasta from Il Forno one of the new employees was making it and totally botched it… just kind of kept the pesto sauce on the bottom and didn’t move the pan at all.
  • They probably just reevaluated our academic strength, campus life, affordability, student satisfaction, and job opportunities out of college based on long-term changes and decided to make an adjustment.
  • This is why we need stricter vetting.
  • I’m paying $67,000 a year to go to school and we can’t even stay in the Top 8 ranked schools? Unbelievable.
  • Oh yeah? Watch me shotgun this beer!
  • I propose to spend more money to replace the grass on the main quads; they’re not green enough!
  • But did they hear about Marvin Bagley reclassifying? They probably didn’t.
  • If they just ran the Swift Express on weekends, we wouldn’t be in a situation like this.
  • Just wait ‘til they see this meme I’m working on; hehe, this oughta’ do the trick.
  • Duke will always be #1 in my heart
  • I’m transferring

Duke Moms Government

According to Article III, Section 3.2 in the Duke Student Government constitution, it is the duty of the DSG to “execute the student body’s will.” The majority of Duke students have likely neither thought about the existence of this constitution nor are even moderately bothered by the DSG’s efficacy in executing their “will.” Duke moms, on the other hand, have read the thing front to back and are VERY bothered that the DSG does not cater to the every wish of their precious pumpkins, kiddos, sweetie-pies, buddies, darlings, angels, rockstars, and sugarplum fairies. So, after arduous strategizing on Facebook, they have decided to take matters into their own hands: I present to you the DMG (Duke Moms Government.)

After scaling down from roughly 300 grievances against the DSG, the DMG has focused on one specific area in which the DSG falls short in executing the wills of their beloved children; the kids want the the Freshman Plague gone, and the DSM is appalled that the DSG has been unable to do so. The DSM has identified the areas in which the DSG has fallen short, having failed to stop.  The DSM has created strategies to address the aforementioned shortcomings of the DSG. The strategies are as follows:

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