april 2017

The pastel button ups and Lilly Pulitzer dresses are out in full force, the weather has returned to unbearably humid, and there are more sobs in Perkins than usual, which means that the year is finally coming to an end. Whether you’re drinking to drown your sorrows or drinking to pre-game for LDOC (and also drown your sorrows), Department Of has some bitter satire to round off your semester.

Duke Madness 2017
Reasons We STINF
What Duke Students Gave Up for Lent
EXCLUSIVE: Shocking Revelations about Coach K’s Retirement 

What Duke Students Gave Up for Lent

Online shopping in Bostock

Snapchatting avocado toast

Crushed up Adderall mixed into a double shot espresso

Throwback Thursday Instagram posts of their summer abroad

Hope of getting a 4.0 this semester

Adidas Stan Smiths

Drunkenly making out with strangers at Shooters

Leaving mean, anonymous comments on Chronicle articles

Petting Nugget

Humble bragging about lucrative internships attained through family connections

EXCLUSIVE: Shocking Revelations about Coach K’s Retirement

2017 will always be known at Duke as the year our beloved president, Mr. Richard Brodhead, stepped down. But could yet another endearing member of Duke’s faculty be joining President Brodhead in leaving Duke? In a somewhat surprising twist of events, it appears that 5-time NCAA championship and 3-time Olympic Gold medalist basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski is finally calling it a career as coach of the Duke’s famed basketball team. But, fear not fellow Cameron Crazies, Coach K won’t be out of the spotlight. After all, while he is retiring from coaching, reports emerge that he will be joining Jayson Tatum, Harry Giles, and Luke Kennard as the 4th Duke team member to declare for the 2017 NBA draft.

As surprising as it seems, there have been many signals that have hinted at our legendary coach’s potential “retirement”. In the past few months, Coach K has faced some health issues and required surgery. Upon his return, however, Coach K reported that he was feeling a lot younger as a result of the operations, so young that he is apparently ready for a new career as a player.

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In Case You Missed It: Department Of’s Political Coverage

Has your post-election depressive spiral made you avoid the news at all costs? Well, fear not, Dept. Of will get you caught up on everything you’ve missed while you were paralyzed with fear.

Confirmation of Betsy DeVos
Breaking the glass ceiling: A woman who has never even laid eyes on a public school was confirmed as Education Secretary. She’s a trailblazer that proves white women can be just as catastrophically racist as white men.

Muslim Ban
President Trump signed an executive order that barred refugees from entering the US, prompting nationwide protests across the country. The Duke College Republicans responded by gathering to masturbate to the news in Gross Hall.

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Duke Campus Bathrooms Review

Perkins Level 1 Restrooms
Odor: Pumpkin bread and tears
Privacy: None

Y’all ever going to move the soap dispensers up so we can use them?

 

FFSC Basement Bathrooms by The Slippery Stairs
Odor: Fear, HCl, Carbonless copies, Deb McCarthy’s disdain
Privacy: A lot as long as you don’t talk to MacPhail while you’re in there.

Spacious; dimly lit. Good for crying, hiding, and calling your mom. I personally have used this bathroom for a variety of reasons including: faking illness during Orgo lab, faking illness during Chem 101 lab, faking illness during Orgo 2 lab, and faking illness during Chem 210 lab.

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