Fourth Annual Interview with Young Trustee finalists

Here we have it, what some would argue is the most insightful analysis of the Young Trustee candidates: Department Of’s own interview with each finalist. Once again, we asked your fellow classmates questions to really understand who they are and what they stand for. Read each interview, and then go vote February 12 and 13.

And yes, these are real interviews. We really did ask that and each candidate really did say that.

 

Trey Walk

Trey joins the semi-finalists as the perfect intersection of several different marginalized identities and fully prepared to embrace the meaningless and exclusively self-serving role of Young Trustee. While he is known on campus for being an activist with People’s State of the University, this just goes to show that even the wokest among us still can’t resist the allure of that sweet, sweet YT resume booster. What sets Trey apart from other candidates is a more demonstrable commitment to progressive values—and the boldness to appropriate revolutionary verbage for a campaign to get on the trustee board at a private PWI.

Luke Farrell

Luke—an off-brand, generic Nate Silver—has started out the race for Young Trustee with a compelling argument: he already sits on numerous useless, bureaucratic committees, so what’s one more? With his graphic design color scheme and love of buzzwords, Luke nails the “obnoxious, DNC-backed freshman senate candidate” vibe. Plus his diverse campaign staff almost made us forget he’s white! Almost. While his propensity to take credit for over large-scale policy changes that were a result of grassroots student organizing makes us go “yikes!”, his interest in machine learning makes us go, “oh God is that like the stuff in Blade Runner?”

Brian Buhr

Brian—still the only student with a Brian Buhr Facebook profile picture—has taken the unique strategy of doing very poorly immediately. Like, we couldn’t find a Facebook page? Or a website? You good, dude?

Archana Ahlawat

Archana is setting herself apart from the crowd by boldly being a woman. Good for her! Beyond that, her campaign messaging is indiscernible from her competitors. But, rest assured: her work with Business Oriented Women proves that she’s the most committed to corporatized, neoliberal feminism. While her campaign teams consists largely of uninspiring Poli Sci kids who think they’re Sam Seaborn from The West Wing, her passion for computer science is a subtle, effective reminder that if you don’t vote for her she will automate your job.

Trey Walk

Just a reminder that these are real quotes from the real Trey Walk.

Department Of: Fuck, marry, kill: Norm from the barn, the bull at Shooters, the Robert E. Lee statue?
Trey Walk: Mmm. Okay, the Robert E. Lee statue has to die so that’s first. Um. (long pause) I guess fuck the bull cause it’s kind of a sexual experience, like riding it. And then um, I guess I’m gonna marry Norm.

Continue reading “Trey Walk”

Archana Ahlawat

Just a reminder that these are real quotes from the real Archana Ahlawat.

Department Of: Fuck, marry, kill: Norm from the Barn, the bull at Shooters, the Robert E. Lee statue?
Archana Ahlawat: Definitely kill the Robert E. Lee statue. What were the first two?
DO: Norm from the barn and the bull from Shooters.
AA: Ooh, Okay. Uh, fuck Norm. and then marry the bull. Honestly, I really enjoy the bull.

Continue reading “Archana Ahlawat”

Rush DDO

In an effort to recruit more members, Department Of is considering rebranding and modelling itself after campus Greek organizations.

Founded in 2015 to promote humor on a campus that takes itself too seriously, Duke Department Of aims to empower tomorrow’s leaders today by teaching important skills one can only learn during their undergraduate years in the Duke bubble. DDO offers a lifetime membership into a community that is committed to upholding broad values. Benefits in joining our organization include: always having “friends” to accompany you anywhere; receiving instant likes and comments on any social media post; and coercing peers into doing anything in the name of DDO. DDO also aims to be a gateway into a super privileged life – networking with prominent individuals, Adderall, access to past tests and quizzes. That way we can spend more time on what matters – playing pro-spike ball in any weather, partying, and charity. Continue reading “Rush DDO”

Reasons to go to Duke…or not

  • Having the #1 basketball team… and losing to Syracuse.
  • Having buses…but needing buses.
  • Having a low acceptance rate… and making your selection criteria based on income and legacy.
  • Having top rated campus food… and only emotional eating at McDonald’s at 3 AM.
  • Having renowned faculty… having them be renowned for being problematic.
  • Recruiting international students….then penalizing them for speaking in their native language.
  • Having new buildings…but then the construction!!!!!!!
  • Paying for room and board….then sleeping in a tent for six weeks.
  • Requiring students to live on campus for three years…then not giving students housing.

Rush Tips

Hey freshmen! Remember when you walked onto Duke campus, said goodbye to your parents, and forced yourself to make friends with those around you? Yeah, that was FDOC. And because we can’t think of any better system, we decided to relieve the same awkwardness you felt on FDOC through RUSH! What better way is there to get to know the people in a frat/SLG? Well, if you’re reading this article, which came out in late January, I assume it didn’t work out so well for you. But that’s OK! Now that rush season is over (at least for you, you lonely fuck), here are some tips so you do better next year. Continue reading “Rush Tips”

Missed Connections

Dear Boy with Brown Hair Who Sat One Seat in Front and to the Left of Me on FDOC in Our Psych. Class,

I hope this letter finds you well.

I imagine a quizzical expression pulling your eyebrows down toward your hazel eyes—the eyes I got just one glimpse when you walked through the door—as you ask yourself: “Our psych class? I’m not in Psych.”

Oh, but honey, you were—for eighty glorious minutes you were—and in those eighty minutes, one thing became clear to me: this class was ours. Not mine, not the professor’s, not that kid over against the right wall munching loudly on baby carrots—but our class.   Continue reading “Missed Connections”