Campus Eateries: Reviewed

Panda Express

I stumbled upon this window into Chinese cuisine a few days ago. I was passing on the plaza when the delicious aromas coaxed me inside. It’s small and cozy with lots of character. I settled on the orange chicken and walnut shrimp, which were delectable. One by one I devoured the colorful fast food and savored every kilogram of salt. But, I had try them together. I prepared myself for a bite the perfect amalgation of orange, chicken, and shrimpy flavor. Chicken, in. Shrimp, in. Swallow. But then air wouldn’t come to me, and I panicked. As I am a man of action, I pounded my chest to dislodge the fatty foes. Like a panda giving birth at the zoo, all eyes were on me. I coughed and I coughed until finally the pair were cast out. I almost went straight to a buttery grave, and no one around me lifted a finger. I won’t come back.

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Happy V-Day From Dept. Of

Having a hard time telling your special someone how you feel because you’re too busy deconstructing white supremacy and fighting the rise of right-wing populism in the US and across Western Europe? Dept. Of is here to help you out! Send these ethically-produced, fair trade cards to all the politically-radical cuties in your life today!

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Second Annual Department Of Young Trustees Interviews

It’s that time of year again: the Facebook cover photos are changing, the endorsements are rolling out, and the student groups are being pandered to with increasing intensity.

That’s right, Young Trustee elections are upon us. Department Of will once again be casting our votes for the Durham Bull’s nutsack as a write in candidate, but we decided to interview the students running for the position anyways and ask them the tough questions. They are the best of the best, weary warriors on a quest to serve our lord and $avior, David “Daddy” Rubenstien and bring honor to the Duke investment portfolio.

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Steven Soto is a first generation student looking to turn the campus into one giant safe space. His interests include being all-around better than legacy kids and wearing orange checkered shirts.

Uzoma Ayogu is a mechanical engineering student that is excited for Duke’s future as a multinational corporation. In his free time, he enjoys being handsome and more likable than you.

Anya Ranganathan is an energetic leader on campus that is physically unable to live further than 10 miles from a prestigious university. Make it through rush and she’ll co-found a company with you.

Tanner Lockhead is from the far off town of Durham and is studying both Public Policy and Political Science, making him a tad more tolerable than an Economics major. His passion is campaign photoshoots.

Young Trustee Interview with Uzoma Ayogu

DO: Okay Uzo, first question: Do you have any parting words for Dick Broadhead?

UA: Yes. I would say that in Dick’s time here, he’s done an excellent job of taking Duke from a place we were trying to be a top institution and now it is very clear Duke is a premiere institution and that he’s done a great job in that regard. Um, and I would tell him that he needs to tell the incoming president to look at a lot of the mistakes he made during his administration and use those as learning moments as we move forward.

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Young Trustee Interview with Anya Ranganathan

DO: Anya, do you have any parting words for Dick Broadhead?
AR: Well, it’s kind of funny because thinking about how it’s my senior spring becasue it’s also his senior spring too. So, I would say that, you know, it’s been real. He’s had twelve years here and there have been ups downs, and I would tell him to just live it up. It’s senior spring!

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Young Trustee Interview with Tanner Lockhead

DO: Do you have any parting words for Dick Broadhead?
TL: Ugh. RIP Dick. Truly truly. It’s been real these past 8 years … 10 years ? 12 years? 12 years. I was in middle school, in 6th grade when he started at Duke. It’s pretty crazy that he’s been here for that long. We’ll miss him.

DO: Your least favorite part of Duke?
TL : Omg, ugh. The shooters line. The Durhamites always clog it.

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Honest Tour of Duke

Welcome to Duke, eager band of high schoolers and helicopter parents! I will be your tour guide this afternoon. We’re so glad you’re visiting in November when exactly 12% of the student population feels something resembling happiness. Take a look around. Underneath every Patagonia jacket you see is the shell of a human, whimpering, Vitamin-D deficient, and in need of Thanksgiving break.  Until now, you have been blissfully unaware of this widespread anguish because our spiraling mental health is the one Countdown to Craziness Duke won’t make a hype video for. So follow me, and I’ll give you an honest tour of the Gothic Wonderland.

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