You’re a Greek Life social chair. You’ve got your new PC. They’re the best damn one. And your little is the best of the best. Now it’s your time to reward them with a great mixer. Often it can be confusing what’s okay and what’s not. So here at Department Of, we’ve compiled THE ULTIMATE GUIDE to good and bad rhyming mixer themes.
Good idea: Snookies and bookies – This mixer is 100% Jersey Shore. It’s raunchy, rowdy, and a ridiculous good time.
Bad idea: Snookies and ookie cookies – Still raunchy, but definitely not an idea that’s going to go over well with your peer social chair. Not a bad idea, however, to forward this one to your frat’s pledge master. Continue reading “Mixer Themes”
The Sazón line at 1 PM: Don’t worry, you can take a quick 30 minute power nap before you even have to say “bowl to-go, please.” Any bus stop waiting for the C3: If you get there after it leaves, sorry buddy you’re gonna be like an hour late. Hey, perfect opportunity for a nap, though. Thing is, you’ll never know when to wake up because Transloc Rider is definitely gonna have goddamn tracking issues. Class: Oh c’mon, that lecture is so complicated you just need to close your eyes and concentrate on the dialogue. Gothic Reading Room: Quiet, peaceful, and close to the center of campus. All you gotta do is push some couches together and take a siesta with all the Duke presidents and founders staring you down. And the annoyed students. Never mind, just be productive for once honestly. Jordan Goldwire’s Lap: Must I explain?
- Durham Light Rail: Ahhh, there’s nothing better than catching a few Z’s on your commute across town on the fast, efficient transportation system.
I forced a bot to become Duke President, sit-in on over 1,000 meetings with Duke administration and then asked it to write a meeting transcription of its own. Here is the first page.
Sally Kornbluth: Dear Colleagues, I am Provost!
A. Eugene Washington: I have many jobs. We should give many jobs. I am Chancellor of Health, Duke University.
Tallman Trask 3: *visibly sweating* Good idea A. Eugene
Robot: We should try gathering the freshmen again for a fair. That way we study them for data.
A. Eugene Washington: Sounds like jobs to me! Hospitals could use more data jobs.
Tallman Trask 3: *single drop of sweat rushes down neck*
Richard Riddell: Let me check with my trusted advisor, Adam Silver, to see if that is okay. Sally, do you palooz? Continue reading “Duke Admin Meeting”
The first few weeks of school were fun. You started off with O-week and a one-night-stand you met at Shooters (which is a universal experience, right? haha I mean I totally did that too) and proceeded to experiment with the college experience. It was fun. Lots of alcohol, lots of parties, lots of at least a few hookups. But then it got colder out. As parties started requiring wristbands more and more, you paired off and started getting in relationships with each other. It was cuffing season! But I’m here to tell you that spring is definitely NOT cuffing season. If you’re thinking of asking someone out anytime soon, don’t! In fact, you should all break up with your current boyfriends and girlfriends. Continue reading “It’s Not Cuffing Season: An Open Advisory Letter to the Class of 2022”
I love March Madness. The upsets, the last second buzzer beaters, Duke winning, all of these contribute to making the college basketball championship possibly the most exciting sporting event of the year, and this year has already proven itself to be just as crazy. However, I think March Madness could become even more exciting. Here are some suggestions that I absolutely believe the NCAA should implement ASAP. Continue reading “Ideas to Spice Up March Madness”
Hey you there. Yeah you! We’re willing to do you a huge solid by letting you read this so you can look like you’re busy and could potentially have friends waiting in line at ABP (good luck selling that story). Fear not, with this advice, you’ll soon be crushing it at Blue Dubs (everyone cool calls it that) and if you play your cards right, maybe you’ll get with a 6 at Shoots (not praiseworthy but definitely something you shouldn’t be ashamed of). First let’s address names. Don’t walk around with some beat name that’s either too long or too lame to remember. You’re “Zee” now. People will know you. Got a talent like breakdancing? Literally breakdance everywhere. Don’t be too self-conscious about your dry skin or disproportionate body type; you’re a Duke student now so none of that matters. Talk about your SAT scores and compare them with your new acquaintances; get defensive if you scored lower. Students are attracted to people who stand up for themselves. Contrary to popular belief, all Duke students are involved in Greek life and rush starts now so you got to make yourself heard. Keep that in the back of your mind when you feel like you’re not relentlessly dominating a conversation. Remember these tips and you’ll conquer Blue Dubs. Incoming students will practically be clawing at your feet to be your friend, or they’ll hate you.
Good luck out there Zee.
Clear skies, 70 degree weather, and my best friend Jordan Goldwire by my side as we roll to Shoots to score points with girls. I know “the Wire” may average just under a point a game on the court, but when we’re on our home floor, the Shooter’s dance floor, we are a dynamic tag team, like Sharkboy and Lavagirl. Continue reading “My Night with Jordan Goldwire as My Wingman”
Here we have it, what some would argue is the most insightful analysis of the Young Trustee candidates: Department Of’s own interview with each finalist. Once again, we asked your fellow classmates questions to really understand who they are and what they stand for. Read each interview, and then go vote February 12 and 13.
And yes, these are real interviews. We really did ask that and each candidate really did say that.
Trey joins the semi-finalists as the perfect intersection of several different marginalized identities and fully prepared to embrace the meaningless and exclusively self-serving role of Young Trustee. While he is known on campus for being an activist with People’s State of the University, this just goes to show that even the wokest among us still can’t resist the allure of that sweet, sweet YT resume booster. What sets Trey apart from other candidates is a more demonstrable commitment to progressive values—and the boldness to appropriate revolutionary verbage for a campaign to get on the trustee board at a private PWI.
Luke—an off-brand, generic Nate Silver—has started out the race for Young Trustee with a compelling argument: he already sits on numerous useless, bureaucratic committees, so what’s one more? With his graphic design color scheme and love of buzzwords, Luke nails the “obnoxious, DNC-backed freshman senate candidate” vibe. Plus his diverse campaign staff almost made us forget he’s white! Almost. While his propensity to take credit for over large-scale policy changes that were a result of grassroots student organizing makes us go “yikes!”, his interest in machine learning makes us go, “oh God is that like the stuff in Blade Runner?”
Brian—still the only student with a Brian Buhr Facebook profile picture—has taken the unique strategy of doing very poorly immediately. Like, we couldn’t find a Facebook page? Or a website? You good, dude?
Archana is setting herself apart from the crowd by boldly being a woman. Good for her! Beyond that, her campaign messaging is indiscernible from her competitors. But, rest assured: her work with Business Oriented Women proves that she’s the most committed to corporatized, neoliberal feminism. While her campaign teams consists largely of uninspiring Poli Sci kids who think they’re Sam Seaborn from The West Wing, her passion for computer science is a subtle, effective reminder that if you don’t vote for her she will automate your job.
Just a reminder that these are real quotes from the real Trey Walk.
Department Of: Fuck, marry, kill: Norm from the barn, the bull at Shooters, the Robert E. Lee statue?
Trey Walk: Mmm. Okay, the Robert E. Lee statue has to die so that’s first. Um. (long pause) I guess fuck the bull cause it’s kind of a sexual experience, like riding it. And then um, I guess I’m gonna marry Norm.