What Duke Students Gave Up for Lent

Online shopping in Bostock

Snapchatting avocado toast

Crushed up Adderall mixed into a double shot espresso

Throwback Thursday Instagram posts of their summer abroad

Hope of getting a 4.0 this semester

Adidas Stan Smiths

Drunkenly making out with strangers at Shooters

Leaving mean, anonymous comments on Chronicle articles

Petting Nugget

Humble bragging about lucrative internships attained through family connections

EXCLUSIVE: Shocking Revelations about Coach K’s Retirement

2017 will always be known at Duke as the year our beloved president, Mr. Richard Brodhead, stepped down. But could yet another endearing member of Duke’s faculty be joining President Brodhead in leaving Duke? In a somewhat surprising twist of events, it appears that 5-time NCAA championship and 3-time Olympic Gold medalist basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski is finally calling it a career as coach of the Duke’s famed basketball team. But, fear not fellow Cameron Crazies, Coach K won’t be out of the spotlight. After all, while he is retiring from coaching, reports emerge that he will be joining Jayson Tatum, Harry Giles, and Luke Kennard as the 4th Duke team member to declare for the 2017 NBA draft.

As surprising as it seems, there have been many signals that have hinted at our legendary coach’s potential “retirement”. In the past few months, Coach K has faced some health issues and required surgery. Upon his return, however, Coach K reported that he was feeling a lot younger as a result of the operations, so young that he is apparently ready for a new career as a player.

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In Case You Missed It: Department Of’s Political Coverage

Has your post-election depressive spiral made you avoid the news at all costs? Well, fear not, Dept. Of will get you caught up on everything you’ve missed while you were paralyzed with fear.

Confirmation of Betsy DeVos
Breaking the glass ceiling: A woman who has never even laid eyes on a public school was confirmed as Education Secretary. She’s a trailblazer that proves white women can be just as catastrophically racist as white men.

Muslim Ban
President Trump signed an executive order that barred refugees from entering the US, prompting nationwide protests across the country. The Duke College Republicans responded by gathering to masturbate to the news in Gross Hall.

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Duke Campus Bathrooms Review

Perkins Level 1 Restrooms
Odor: Pumpkin bread and tears
Privacy: None

Y’all ever going to move the soap dispensers up so we can use them?

 

FFSC Basement Bathrooms by The Slippery Stairs
Odor: Fear, HCl, Carbonless copies, Deb McCarthy’s disdain
Privacy: A lot as long as you don’t talk to MacPhail while you’re in there.

Spacious; dimly lit. Good for crying, hiding, and calling your mom. I personally have used this bathroom for a variety of reasons including: faking illness during Orgo lab, faking illness during Chem 101 lab, faking illness during Orgo 2 lab, and faking illness during Chem 210 lab.

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Campus Eateries: Reviewed

Panda Express

I stumbled upon this window into Chinese cuisine a few days ago. I was passing on the plaza when the delicious aromas coaxed me inside. It’s small and cozy with lots of character. I settled on the orange chicken and walnut shrimp, which were delectable. One by one I devoured the colorful fast food and savored every kilogram of salt. But, I had try them together. I prepared myself for a bite the perfect amalgation of orange, chicken, and shrimpy flavor. Chicken, in. Shrimp, in. Swallow. But then air wouldn’t come to me, and I panicked. As I am a man of action, I pounded my chest to dislodge the fatty foes. Like a panda giving birth at the zoo, all eyes were on me. I coughed and I coughed until finally the pair were cast out. I almost went straight to a buttery grave, and no one around me lifted a finger. I won’t come back.

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Second Annual Department Of Young Trustees Interviews

It’s that time of year again: the Facebook cover photos are changing, the endorsements are rolling out, and the student groups are being pandered to with increasing intensity.

That’s right, Young Trustee elections are upon us. Department Of will once again be casting our votes for the Durham Bull’s nutsack as a write in candidate, but we decided to interview the students running for the position anyways and ask them the tough questions. They are the best of the best, weary warriors on a quest to serve our lord and $avior, David “Daddy” Rubenstien and bring honor to the Duke investment portfolio.

yungtrustee

 

Steven Soto is a first generation student looking to turn the campus into one giant safe space. His interests include being all-around better than legacy kids and wearing orange checkered shirts.

Uzoma Ayogu is a mechanical engineering student that is excited for Duke’s future as a multinational corporation. In his free time, he enjoys being handsome and more likable than you.

Anya Ranganathan is an energetic leader on campus that is physically unable to live further than 10 miles from a prestigious university. Make it through rush and she’ll co-found a company with you.

Tanner Lockhead is from the far off town of Durham and is studying both Public Policy and Political Science, making him a tad more tolerable than an Economics major. His passion is campaign photoshoots.