EXCLUSIVE: Shocking Revelations about Coach K’s Retirement

2017 will always be known at Duke as the year our beloved president, Mr. Richard Brodhead, stepped down. But could yet another endearing member of Duke’s faculty be joining President Brodhead in leaving Duke? In a somewhat surprising twist of events, it appears that 5-time NCAA championship and 3-time Olympic Gold medalist basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski is finally calling it a career as coach of the Duke’s famed basketball team. But, fear not fellow Cameron Crazies, Coach K won’t be out of the spotlight. After all, while he is retiring from coaching, reports emerge that he will be joining Jayson Tatum, Harry Giles, and Luke Kennard as the 4th Duke team member to declare for the 2017 NBA draft.

As surprising as it seems, there have been many signals that have hinted at our legendary coach’s potential “retirement”. In the past few months, Coach K has faced some health issues and required surgery. Upon his return, however, Coach K reported that he was feeling a lot younger as a result of the operations, so young that he is apparently ready for a new career as a player.

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In Case You Missed It: Department Of’s Political Coverage

Has your post-election depressive spiral made you avoid the news at all costs? Well, fear not, Dept. Of will get you caught up on everything you’ve missed while you were paralyzed with fear.

Confirmation of Betsy DeVos
Breaking the glass ceiling: A woman who has never even laid eyes on a public school was confirmed as Education Secretary. She’s a trailblazer that proves white women can be just as catastrophically racist as white men.

Muslim Ban
President Trump signed an executive order that barred refugees from entering the US, prompting nationwide protests across the country. The Duke College Republicans responded by gathering to masturbate to the news in Gross Hall.

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Duke Campus Bathrooms Review

Perkins Level 1 Restrooms
Odor: Pumpkin bread and tears
Privacy: None

Y’all ever going to move the soap dispensers up so we can use them?


FFSC Basement Bathrooms by The Slippery Stairs
Odor: Fear, HCl, Carbonless copies, Deb McCarthy’s disdain
Privacy: A lot as long as you don’t talk to MacPhail while you’re in there.

Spacious; dimly lit. Good for crying, hiding, and calling your mom. I personally have used this bathroom for a variety of reasons including: faking illness during Orgo lab, faking illness during Chem 101 lab, faking illness during Orgo 2 lab, and faking illness during Chem 210 lab.

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Campus Eateries: Reviewed

Panda Express

I stumbled upon this window into Chinese cuisine a few days ago. I was passing on the plaza when the delicious aromas coaxed me inside. It’s small and cozy with lots of character. I settled on the orange chicken and walnut shrimp, which were delectable. One by one I devoured the colorful fast food and savored every kilogram of salt. But, I had try them together. I prepared myself for a bite the perfect amalgation of orange, chicken, and shrimpy flavor. Chicken, in. Shrimp, in. Swallow. But then air wouldn’t come to me, and I panicked. As I am a man of action, I pounded my chest to dislodge the fatty foes. Like a panda giving birth at the zoo, all eyes were on me. I coughed and I coughed until finally the pair were cast out. I almost went straight to a buttery grave, and no one around me lifted a finger. I won’t come back.

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Young Trustee Interview with Uzoma Ayogu

DO: Okay Uzo, first question: Do you have any parting words for Dick Broadhead?

UA: Yes. I would say that in Dick’s time here, he’s done an excellent job of taking Duke from a place we were trying to be a top institution and now it is very clear Duke is a premiere institution and that he’s done a great job in that regard. Um, and I would tell him that he needs to tell the incoming president to look at a lot of the mistakes he made during his administration and use those as learning moments as we move forward.

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Young Trustee Interview with Anya Ranganathan

DO: Anya, do you have any parting words for Dick Broadhead?
AR: Well, it’s kind of funny because thinking about how it’s my senior spring becasue it’s also his senior spring too. So, I would say that, you know, it’s been real. He’s had twelve years here and there have been ups downs, and I would tell him to just live it up. It’s senior spring!

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