Coach Mike Krzyzewski, the coach formerly known as Coach K, wants to make things even easier for people. He insists on his players and fans calling him “Coach ^” now, for ease of conversation.

The coach of the Duke Men’s Basketball team, famous for his book Beyond Basketball and series of online computer science seminars, has decided that “K” is just too hard to pronounce and say. Said Krzyevblsyski, “the players need to be able to say my name quickly and easily, and I hate it when people mispronounce my name. ^ is just so much easier than K.”Players and fans alike are torn about this change. While some are supportive of Coach ^’s decision, super-fan Kyrie remembers the old days, back when his name was still Coach Krzyekdsfosdski. “People keep trying to change traditions and rewrite history. We have a legacy of winning, we shouldn’t change anything. What, are people gonna start tenting in ‘^-ville’ in January?”

School administrators thought very hard about that very question and consulted Coach ^ himself. On Monday, they gave their response in a press conference:


Coach ^, whose full name is Michelangelo Bartholomew Krzyzewski IV, says he doesn’t care what the public thinks of his choice. For him, it’s back to business as usual, coaching basketball.


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