Dear Freshmen,

The first few weeks of school were fun. You started off with O-week and a one-night-stand you met at Shooters (which is a universal experience, right? haha I mean I totally did that too) and proceeded to experiment with the college experience. It was fun. Lots of alcohol, lots of parties, lots of at least a few hookups. But then it got colder out. As parties started requiring wristbands more and more, you paired off and started getting in relationships with each other. It was cuffing season! But I’m here to tell you that spring is definitely NOT cuffing season. If you’re thinking of asking someone out anytime soon, don’t! In fact, you should all break up with your current boyfriends and girlfriends.

So freshmen, come springtime, it’s time to get back to living the single life.  Here are some of the fun activities that being single at Duke has to offer, in case you’ve forgotten:

  • You and your roommate both getting lucky at Devines, then arguing about who gets to sexile who first.
  • Getting to imagine hooking up with a basketball player without the guilt of wondering if that counts as cheating.
  • Closing out Perkins when no one wants to go to Shooters with you.
  • Getting to compete with Jordan Goldwire for chicks at Shooters.
  • Seeing your young professor on Tinder and legitimately wondering which way to swipe.
  • Passive aggressive comments about your love life from your parents.
  • Walking through the Duke Gardens without worrying if your partner next to you wants a quickie.
  • Not having to make a deep emotional bond with someone
  • Getting a 10-piece and a McFlurry at 3 AM.
  • Making water balloons out of the free condoms given by Student Health

So don’t look to form meaningful relationships this spring. Look at cute strangers instead. Ladies, maybe even fool around with someone you wouldn’t normally think of, like, I don’t know, maybe an introverted writer for an obscure campus publication. Or a basketball player. Those are about the same.

It’s not cuffing season anymore. It’s hookup season.

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