In an effort to recruit more members, Department Of is considering rebranding and modelling itself after campus Greek organizations.
Founded in 2015 to promote humor on a campus that takes itself too seriously, Duke Department Of aims to empower tomorrow’s leaders today by teaching important skills one can only learn during their undergraduate years in the Duke bubble. DDO offers a lifetime membership into a community that is committed to upholding broad values. Benefits in joining our organization include: always having “friends” to accompany you anywhere; receiving instant likes and comments on any social media post; and coercing peers into doing anything in the name of DDO. DDO also aims to be a gateway into a super privileged life – networking with prominent individuals, Adderall, access to past tests and quizzes. That way we can spend more time on what matters – playing pro-spike ball in any weather, partying, and charity.
DDO’s rush process will be designed to give prospective members a sense of what our siblinghood stands for. All events are organized by specially selected rush chairs. They take the heavy fall should DDO ever be under investigation for alleged hazing. Not that DDO hazes. During our first interactions lots of questions are asked in an effort to better understand who and what one stands for. For example, these questions could be “What part of New Jersey are you from?” “What is your intended major?” “What are your parent’s occupations?” “What high school did you go to?” “How many vacation homes do you own?” “What car did you drive in high school?” Or one can hand over their tax forms to skip the small talk. Current members of DDO will also judge a prospect’s social media posts to see what they can offer the org, while simultaneously making sure they have a cool aesthetic and fit in with DDO’s laid-back, but edgy, hard-working, but fun brand.
During the pledging process, DDO’s pledge masters and mistresses want to make sure that the final, rich, probably white, students we have chosen, would die for DDO by beating our values into them. Some ideas for ensuring one’s loyalty might include: cleaning up after parties; branding DDO’s logo onto their flesh; being kidnapped and blindfolded in the middle of the night; having to care for a hamster for an extended period of time, then being forced to blend them up in a blender; making individuals stick skittles in various body holes; maybe doing some more sinful stuff to animals just cause. DDO wants to emphasize that all of the degrading, humiliating, and stressful things we will put one through has significant and spiritual meaning.
Once deemed worthy enough to wear our letters, it will also become necessary to pay regular dues. These go towards paying for any legal issues DDO will inevitably encounter, like hazing allegations (even though we do not do that), sexual assault investigations and, of course, keeping alcohol in stock.
If this all sounds good to you, rush today!