The weather is finally (maybe) getting colder and midterm season never stops, which means Duke students are getting sicker. But if you don’t want to walk all the way over to the Wellness Center or fork over money to the medical-industrial complex that is the campus pharmacy center, there are plenty of easy, accessible options for self-medication.

-Suffering from constipation? Order anything from Panda Express and wait a couple hours to see results!
-Have a stomachache? Head over to your nearest vending machine to crack open a cold ginger ale!
-Headache making it hard for you to concentrate? Try banging your head against the desk in frustration over that p-set you’ve been working on for what feels like half your life!
-Worried about getting the flu or catching the freshman plague? Just avoid as much human contact as possible and you’ll never get sick! Alternatively, just start the freshman plague, so you’ll get immunity by the time it hits everyone else on campus!
-Stressing out from the unbearable weight of being alive in a never-ending cycle of work in this educational institution? Try sleeping for a solid 12 hours straight to temporarily escape the horrible reality of living as a gear in the capitalist machine!
-Got a yeast infection? Well, the Div grilled cheese is pretty good, but not that good.

 

DISCLAIMER: We are neither medical professionals nor pre-med.

 

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