According to Article III, Section 3.2 in the Duke Student Government constitution, it is the duty of the DSG to “execute the student body’s will.” The majority of Duke students have likely neither thought about the existence of this constitution nor are even moderately bothered by the DSG’s efficacy in executing their “will.” Duke moms, on the other hand, have read the thing front to back and are VERY bothered that the DSG does not cater to the every wish of their precious pumpkins, kiddos, sweetie-pies, buddies, darlings, angels, rockstars, and sugarplum fairies. So, after arduous strategizing on Facebook, they have decided to take matters into their own hands: I present to you the DMG (Duke Moms Government.)
After scaling down from roughly 300 grievances against the DSG, the DMG has focused on one specific area in which the DSG falls short in executing the wills of their beloved children; the kids want the the Freshman Plague gone, and the DSM is appalled that the DSG has been unable to do so. The DSM has identified the areas in which the DSG has fallen short, having failed to stop. The DSM has created strategies to address the aforementioned shortcomings of the DSG. The strategies are as follows:
1.) Freshmen from sharing literally everything
Because the most commonly-shared items among our children are Harris Teeter wine bottles and gas station 4Lokos, we will set aside a special budget so that each and every one of our children can have his/her own weekly supply of wine bottles and 4Lokos. Begone bottle sharing!
Example: Sheila, would you rather have Barefoot Moscato or Sauvignon Blanc? Watermelon or peach 4Loko?
The mothers have identified coughing and sneezing as some of the chief spreaders of the Freshman plague. In order to stop these airborne pests, we propose that our children come home until they are better. It should be noted that this proposition is derived from no selfish motivation (even though we really want to see our kids because the empty nest is definitely not all it’s cracked up to be and because we can’t parent as effectively from out of state).
Example: Jason, why don’t you just stay (for an indefinite amount of time) after fall break? You will feel so much better! I’ll also add $200 to your monthly allowance and buy you new JUUL pods if you stay. No really. Please stay.
3.) Freshmen (and everyone) making out with sick strangers
The mothers will host an info session to foster better judgment in our children. The chief objective of the program is identifying symptoms of sickness. This way, our children will understand the importance of exclusively making out with healthy strangers.
Example: Beckie, you can’t stick your tongue in Taylor’s mouth until you take his temperature, give him a strep throat swab, and listen for mucous in his lungs with a stethoscope.
4.) General bad hygiene
We have assigned each parent a two-hour long bathroom duty shift. This entails monitoring the hand-washing, teeth-brushing, flossing, shampooing, and body-washing tendencies of our kids.
Example: Johnny, you can’t go to Devine’s until you’ve brushed your teeth for two minutes and washed your hands with warm, soapy water for as long as it takes you to sing the alphabet!
5.) The existence of the common cold
We will eradicate the existence of the common cold by the sheer power of Facebook hashtags and calls, emails, personal visits, and hand-written letters to administrators. We will threaten to sue if the common cold does not comply with our wishes. Hashtag: #SickAtDuke
Example: Dear President Price, I will sue.
Ladies and gentlemen and non-binary students, I give you the Duke Moms Government.