Dear Students,

As we begin preparations to put another white man in a position of power, we would like you to note the following details in regards to the upcoming festivities:

  1. The internet will be shut down all week so as to free bandwidth for the Facebook Live streaming of the event.
  2. In order to gain access to the carnival rides at Price Palooza, you must sign a waiver pledging allegiance to President Price and obtain a wristband to mark you as a loyal constituent.
  3. At Price Palooza, we will be serving chocolate dipped cheesecake, chocolate dipped bananas, chocolate dipped butter, chocolate dipped cheese wiz, and chocolate dipped lard.
  4. After you’ve deepthroated your chocolate dipped banana, there will be several nauseating carnival rides for you to test your strength with and demonstrate your devotion to the reign.
  5. In addition to the pig roast, we will also be roasting cows, lemurs, and children. Gluten free options will be available.
  6. There will be (heavily buttered) potatoes for vegetarians and vegans
  7. We will be giving away a variety of merchandise adorned with Price’s bitmoji, some of which include crop tops, shot glasses, and menstrual products.
  8. In addition to flash tattoos of Price’s face, stick-and-pokes will be offered in front of Marketplace.
  9. We will be spending copious amounts of money on ice sculptures, despite the fact that we are in North Carolina and the temperature is upwards of 80 degrees
  10. We will be turning off the water supply to both West and Central Campus during the event  to encourage attendance of Price Palooza.
  11. We have hired several cheese artists to sculpt Vincent Price out of the finest gold-infused cheddar in the likeness of Michelangelo’s “David.”
  12. Bus stops have been moved to the extreme end of Chapel Drive on West Campus and at the entrance gates of East Campus so that Price has enough room to groove.
  13. In addition to being cockblocked from the Dick Box, you will not have access to any dining options on campus so that you may all fast in observance of this celebration.

All inaugural festivities will be taking place in the center of both campuses so that Durham’s homeless can’t watch us blow an entire Duke education’s worth of money on two days. In order to compensate for the funds spent on the celebration, the financial aid budget will be cut in half and freshmen won’t be able to eat at Marketplace over fall break.

We appreciate everyone’s cooperation during this historic occasion!

Warmly,

Vice President of Student Affairs

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