Over the summer, I worked with the UCAE office approving student organizations for the 2017-2018 school year. In my line of work, certain club proposals are considered especially heinous. The dedicated paper-pushers who read these mind-numbing propositions are members of an elite squad known as broke college students who will take any summer job thrown their way. Here are some examples of the type of shit we have to endure.
Ah fall break you’ve made it home and can finally relax. You fall back on your couch, prop your feet up on the table, pick up the remote and switch some Netflix onto the TV. Your phone buzzes, and you die just a little bit inside. It’s a message from your one annoying friend from home. You’re pretty sure you can just wait this one out and not respond. A few hours into The Office, and there’s a second message from your friend. You’ll respond in an hour. Just as you finish a season and go to put on 30 Rock, a third one pops up. “the worst possible thing has happened,” you respond, “I have the plague—a strain broke out at Duke”
Boo-hoo, I don’t know what to do.
I spend all week staying with you.
Then the weekend comes around,
And you’re kickin’ me out;
Boo-hoo, I’ve got the Blue Zone Blues!
- I heard PiKapp’s pledge class wasn’t too good this year; that could’ve been it.
- Honestly, 2017 has been such a crazy year, it doesn’t even surprise me. I mean, Trump, ISIS, North Korea, all these hurricanes, California wildfires… There’s no rhyme or reason to what’s going on.
- But we’re still better than UNC, right?
- Well, last time I got pasta from Il Forno one of the new employees was making it and totally botched it… just kind of kept the pesto sauce on the bottom and didn’t move the pan at all.
- They probably just reevaluated our academic strength, campus life, affordability, student satisfaction, and job opportunities out of college based on long-term changes and decided to make an adjustment.
- This is why we need stricter vetting.
- I’m paying $67,000 a year to go to school and we can’t even stay in the Top 8 ranked schools? Unbelievable.
- Oh yeah? Watch me shotgun this beer!
- I propose to spend more money to replace the grass on the main quads; they’re not green enough!
- But did they hear about Marvin Bagley reclassifying? They probably didn’t.
- If they just ran the Swift Express on weekends, we wouldn’t be in a situation like this.
- Just wait ‘til they see this meme I’m working on; hehe, this oughta’ do the trick.
- Duke will always be #1 in my heart
- I’m transferring
According to Article III, Section 3.2 in the Duke Student Government constitution, it is the duty of the DSG to “execute the student body’s will.” The majority of Duke students have likely neither thought about the existence of this constitution nor are even moderately bothered by the DSG’s efficacy in executing their “will.” Duke moms, on the other hand, have read the thing front to back and are VERY bothered that the DSG does not cater to the every wish of their precious pumpkins, kiddos, sweetie-pies, buddies, darlings, angels, rockstars, and sugarplum fairies. So, after arduous strategizing on Facebook, they have decided to take matters into their own hands: I present to you the DMG (Duke Moms Government.)
After scaling down from roughly 300 grievances against the DSG, the DMG has focused on one specific area in which the DSG falls short in executing the wills of their beloved children; the kids want the the Freshman Plague gone, and the DSM is appalled that the DSG has been unable to do so. The DSM has identified the areas in which the DSG has fallen short, having failed to stop. The DSM has created strategies to address the aforementioned shortcomings of the DSG. The strategies are as follows:
The pastel button ups and Lilly Pulitzer dresses are out in full force, the weather has returned to unbearably humid, and there are more sobs in Perkins than usual, which means that the year is finally coming to an end. Whether you’re drinking to drown your sorrows or drinking to pre-game for LDOC (and also drown your sorrows), Department Of has some bitter satire to round off your semester.
Online shopping in Bostock
Snapchatting avocado toast
Crushed up Adderall mixed into a double shot espresso
Throwback Thursday Instagram posts of their summer abroad
Hope of getting a 4.0 this semester
Adidas Stan Smiths
Drunkenly making out with strangers at Shooters
Leaving mean, anonymous comments on Chronicle articles
Humble bragging about lucrative internships attained through family connections
2017 will always be known at Duke as the year our beloved president, Mr. Richard Brodhead, stepped down. But could yet another endearing member of Duke’s faculty be joining President Brodhead in leaving Duke? In a somewhat surprising twist of events, it appears that 5-time NCAA championship and 3-time Olympic Gold medalist basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski is finally calling it a career as coach of the Duke’s famed basketball team. But, fear not fellow Cameron Crazies, Coach K won’t be out of the spotlight. After all, while he is retiring from coaching, reports emerge that he will be joining Jayson Tatum, Harry Giles, and Luke Kennard as the 4th Duke team member to declare for the 2017 NBA draft.
As surprising as it seems, there have been many signals that have hinted at our legendary coach’s potential “retirement”. In the past few months, Coach K has faced some health issues and required surgery. Upon his return, however, Coach K reported that he was feeling a lot younger as a result of the operations, so young that he is apparently ready for a new career as a player.