Hey Duke families!
Mad Libs© understands that we live in changing times. We live in a politically charged climate, one that’s bound to explode with the slightest spark. No one is exempt from this governmental hell, not even the children. In a world increasingly hard to understand, it’s important to get started early. That’s why for our personalized gift for alumni donors of over $100 this month is Mad Libs©: President Price hate crime email edition. Have fun!
Continue reading “President Price MadLib”
SUBJECT: Missing 💪 Class 😩 this 👏 Semester 👌
Dear Professor [redacted],
I am sorry to tell you that I will be unable to attend any of the lectures for your course Underwater Basket Weaving: A Qualitative Approach. It’s not that I don’t want to be there – my coach had to pull some strings to get me off the waitlist – it’s just that I have a pretty busy Water Polo schedule this semester. What with practices, traveling for games, and my photoshoot for Water Polo Monthly, there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to fit it all in. As a student-athlete, I have to perform on and off the field, even if it means missing some class. Continue reading “Student Athlete Email”
It is a typical November day: the leaves are falling, the birds are chirping, and the temperature is changing faster than my
sexuality major. With such beautiful and unpredictable weather like this, it is a perfect day for a Duke student to spend his or her day indoors watching Netflix and studying for midterms. But while people are inside watching highlights from the Duke basketball games, they face an unusual phenomenon that turns friends against each other and turns strangers into obstacles: Class Registration. Continue reading “Class Registration”
I ease myself into a pink lawn chair and look up. My eyes are met by the oddly thirsty gaze of an enigma. His name is Norm, he tells me. No first name and no last, just Norm. He wears khakis, khakis with cargo pockets. A faded Hawaiian shirt that shows just a few wisps of white chest hair. And flip flops. Those ones with the bottle opener on the sole. I remark, saying that my grandfather in Florida has a pair just like those. He responds, telling me that he’s all about “that bang for your buck, you know.” He particularly emphasizes the word bang. I feel uncomfortable. Continue reading “NORM”
Ah, All Hallows’ Eve! The one time of year when it’s socially acceptable for a stranger to give children
razor blades candy. We’re that house that leaves a small bowl of razor blades candy outside just so kids won’t annoy us. Sounds a lot like my professor, who just leaves a bowl of TA Contacts at the door with the signs “Take One” and “Don’t Bother Me, I’m Doing Important Research.”
So in the spirit of Halloween, here are 10 ways to scare a Duke Student Continue reading “How to Scare a Duke Student”
Are you the plaza bridge in the middle of a sunny day?
Because your beauty is blinding
Are you a line monitor?
Because you’re keeping me up all night
Are you a Duke construction zone?
Because I’d let you shake my bed at 8am Continue reading “Duke Pick-Up Lines”
Today, for arguably the first time in my Duke career, I decided I would stroll into the highly regarded “The Loop,” located in the slippery part of the Bryan Center. Overall, their menu offers much to like, though, truth be told, I found it too wide to process all at once. I ordered the exotic personal cheese pizza and sat down at the nearest open table overlooking the sports bar. While the innocent pizza resting comfortably on my plate was quite appealing, it was a middle-aged man in a blue and yellow vest sitting in the booth across from me that ultimately captured my attention. He seemed at once so distant, yet of a demeanor and expression all too familiar. His attractive red eyes concentrated intently on his beet salad as several drops of cranberry juice bubbled from his whitish lips in a mad rush to reach his chin. His elliptical eyes gleamed at me, causing me to quickly withdraw my fingertips from the small plastic jar of to-go mayonnaise that, per my usual habit, I had set out in front of me. The shock of emotion I experienced as we locked glances could best be compared to those sensations I felt when I first set eyes on my high school crush, the very one who caused me so much heartache when she tore my official Duke acceptance letter right before my tearing eyes as she rejected my extensively planned out promposal (“Duke you want to go to prom with me?”). He stood up, nonchalantly straightened his sensible vest, and walked toward me; the accumulated sweat now seeping through my waistband and marking my seat. As he neared, instinct took over. I closed my eyes and subtly leaned in, my desert-dry lips and personal coal-fired cheese pizza twitching in unison. When I opened my eyes, to my dismay he was nowhere to be found, escaping me like the many frightened guinea pigs I owned in my youth. The pizza was a little too moist for my taste.
Reese is our team’s number one food reviewer who started writing for Department Of in 2017. About 5 foot 3, Reese can often be found with his grey, noise cancelling BOSE™ headphones, playing imaginary drums with real, limited edition, Metallica drum sticks on the C3 Class Exchange. He almost got into his fraternity of choice.
If you are applying to the Trinity College of Arts and Sciences as a first year applicant, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something particular about Duke that attracts you?
As a straight Southern white man, I’ve always felt pressured to apply to a local state school, join a frat, drink 12-packs of beer, and commit sexual assault. Fortunately, I believe Duke will be able to provide me with that same traditional Southern experience while still being able to brag to my future Wall Street coworkers that I went to a top 10 school in the country. Honestly, I was a little worried at first when I was doing my research on what college to apply to – Duke has really been pushing for diversity, equality, and forward-thinking ideas over the past decade. It really seemed that Duke was distancing itself from its roots, but after touring the campus, I was glad to see that was not entirely the case. Between the mac and cheese, salmon-pink Vineyard Vines pants, Southern hospitality, and the occasional hate crime, I felt right at home walking around campus. Although I’m planning on majoring in economics, I’m very interested in writing on the side, and I feel like Duke offers me many opportunities to loudly express my free speech and opinions to the world. I have been following the Chronicle for a while now, and I love that it gives students creative freedom to speak their mind. I’ve been brainstorming a couple of opinion pieces lately such as “In Defense of Harvey Weinstein” and “Overlooked Values of the South in the 1960s” that will really get the campus thinking. Overall, Duke really seems like the perfect place for me to be able to discover myself and express my views while becoming your next CEO, lawmaker, or supreme court judge.