Archana Ahlawat

Just a reminder that these are real quotes from the real Archana Ahlawat.

Department Of: Fuck, marry, kill: Norm from the Barn, the bull at Shooters, the Robert E. Lee statue?
Archana Ahlawat: Definitely kill the Robert E. Lee statue. What were the first two?
DO: Norm from the barn and the bull from Shooters.
AA: Ooh, Okay. Uh, fuck Norm. and then marry the bull. Honestly, I really enjoy the bull.

Continue reading “Archana Ahlawat”

Rush DDO

In an effort to recruit more members, Department Of is considering rebranding and modelling itself after campus Greek organizations.

Founded in 2015 to promote humor on a campus that takes itself too seriously, Duke Department Of aims to empower tomorrow’s leaders today by teaching important skills one can only learn during their undergraduate years in the Duke bubble. DDO offers a lifetime membership into a community that is committed to upholding broad values. Benefits in joining our organization include: always having “friends” to accompany you anywhere; receiving instant likes and comments on any social media post; and coercing peers into doing anything in the name of DDO. DDO also aims to be a gateway into a super privileged life – networking with prominent individuals, Adderall, access to past tests and quizzes. That way we can spend more time on what matters – playing pro-spike ball in any weather, partying, and charity. Continue reading “Rush DDO”

Reasons to go to Duke…or not

  • Having the #1 basketball team… and losing to Syracuse.
  • Having buses…but needing buses.
  • Having a low acceptance rate… and making your selection criteria based on income and legacy.
  • Having top rated campus food… and only emotional eating at McDonald’s at 3 AM.
  • Having renowned faculty… having them be renowned for being problematic.
  • Recruiting international students….then penalizing them for speaking in their native language.
  • Having new buildings…but then the construction!!!!!!!
  • Paying for room and board….then sleeping in a tent for six weeks.
  • Requiring students to live on campus for three years…then not giving students housing.

Rush Tips

Hey freshmen! Remember when you walked onto Duke campus, said goodbye to your parents, and forced yourself to make friends with those around you? Yeah, that was FDOC. And because we can’t think of any better system, we decided to relieve the same awkwardness you felt on FDOC through RUSH! What better way is there to get to know the people in a frat/SLG? Well, if you’re reading this article, which came out in late January, I assume it didn’t work out so well for you. But that’s OK! Now that rush season is over (at least for you, you lonely fuck), here are some tips so you do better next year. Continue reading “Rush Tips”

Missed Connections

Dear Boy with Brown Hair Who Sat One Seat in Front and to the Left of Me on FDOC in Our Psych. Class,

I hope this letter finds you well.

I imagine a quizzical expression pulling your eyebrows down toward your hazel eyes—the eyes I got just one glimpse when you walked through the door—as you ask yourself: “Our psych class? I’m not in Psych.”

Oh, but honey, you were—for eighty glorious minutes you were—and in those eighty minutes, one thing became clear to me: this class was ours. Not mine, not the professor’s, not that kid over against the right wall munching loudly on baby carrots—but our class.   Continue reading “Missed Connections”

Coach K Shortens Name to Coach ^

Coach Mike Krzyzewski, the coach formerly known as Coach K, wants to make things even easier for people. He insists on his players and fans calling him “Coach ^” now, for ease of conversation.

The coach of the Duke Men’s Basketball team, famous for his book Beyond Basketball and series of online computer science seminars, has decided that “K” is just too hard to pronounce and say. Said Krzyevblsyski, “the players need to be able to say my name quickly and easily, and I hate it when people mispronounce my name. ^ is just so much easier than K.” Continue reading “Coach K Shortens Name to Coach ^”