They’re in gardens, backyards, outside schools and shopping centers. Desperate people pee in them, more desperate people hide things in them. Some beat around them, some shave them. And apparently they don’t care about black people.
Yes, you got it, they’re bushes. And whether you love or hate them, they’re not going anywhere anytime soon. But do we really know everything there is to know about bushes? Only time will tell, but until then here are thirteen things you probably never knew about bushes:
- People sometimes say a bird in the hand is worth 2 (sometimes 3) in the bush, which was confirmed when Bernie Sanders won three primary elections after an idiot bird landed on his podium in Portland.
- Bushes are often embroiled in controversy. There has been speculation that bushes have links to several extremist groups or at least have a history of staging terrorist attacks. These allegations are grounded on one simple fact: Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams. Bushes can. Bush did 9/11.
- Bush allegedly did 7/11.
- Kate Bush’s biggest fans are Andre 3000 and the ghost of Emily Bronte.
- Macklemore has a song entitled “Bush Song”.
- Speaking of Macklemore, Trump’s bush is carefully collected by a subcontracted employee three times a month and woven into a fresh toupee at the end of said month. Melania says she has to dye the hair three shades more orange. Employees in the Trump residence claim that she uses Donald’s self-tanning lotion to dye the hair.
- Trump Toupees will soon be available as a free add-on item for every purchased bottle of Trump Wine.
- David Johnson, a.k.a. The World Famous Bushman is a busker in San Francisco who makes his living scaring unsuspecting passersby from behind a bush. Check out his yelp page under ‘Local Flavor’.
- The dog in the Bush’s Baked Beans commercial is named Duke. In a revealing interview with Katie Couric, Duke confessed that he doesn’t in fact like baked beans. He doesn’t even have the family recipe.
- Bushes are not really the affectionate type and hate to be embraced. One often hears of tree huggers, but bush huggers are a rarity in today’s society due to bushes’ aloof and cold nature.
- A group of bushes is called a bushetta (not to be confused with the delicious Italian antipasto).
- A bushel has nothing to do with a bush. The origins of the word actually are from the Old French word ‘boisse’, akin to ‘boss’.
- Bushes gained a heightened level of botanical prowess after the Old Testament included the story of Moses and the Burning Bush.