SEPTEMBER 29, 2015

6:00 a.m. Morning walk

  • Get around to listening to first episode of Serial

6:30 a.m. Breakfast

  • Grapefruit and cottage cheese
  • Black coffee
  • Read The Duke Chronicle

7:00 a.m. Check email

  • Email meeting agenda to Duke Board of Trustees
  • Ask Tim Cook to return copy of Magna Carta Holy Grail
  • Ask Adam Silver to return copy of Magna Carta

8:00 a.m. Throw money at Duke

  • Install real pandas at Panda Express
  • Check in on development of hologram Maya Angelou for Class of 2020 convocation
  • Float idea of changing school colors to Crimson

8:30 a.m. Talk to wife

  • Ask secretary for script

8:35 a.m. Take private jet into shop for 6 month check-up

  • Ask about that clicking noise during take-off
  • Get one of those car cassette things that lets you play music from your iPhone?

9:00 a.m. Check stocks

  • Stock Market:
    • NASDAQ: +0.00%
    • DOW J: +16.90
    • AAPL: -2.00
  • Neopets Stock Market:
    • CHPS: -7.14%
    • LDSC: +8.00%
    • TAG: -5.26%

9:45 a.m. Negotiate deal for The Carlyle Group

  • Sell current minority shareholding in Export Trading Group (ETG) to company management team

10: 30 a.m. Negotiate deal for Magic: The Gathering

  • Trade Spiritmonger, Planeswalker’s Scorn, 7th edition Hypnotic Specter, and Phantom Nantuko in exchange for mint condition Black Lotus

11:45 a.m. Lunch while on conference call with James Comey

  • Eat PB&J (don’t forget to add more food points)
  • Fiddle around on phone during call: see if Janet Yellen Venmo’d $20 for dinner last week, Snapchat Oprah, post in Illuminati GroupMe, check Yakarma on YikYak

1:00 p.m. Scowl

2:00 p.m. Throw money at United States

  • Fund wax museum portraying full-size recreations of the entire cast of the Broadway production of Hamilton
  • Renovate state of Delaware
  • Renovate Mitch McConnell

3:05 p.m. Golf with Xi Jinping at Washington Duke Inn & Golf Club

  • Let him win
  • Golf jokes?

4:20 p.m. Attempt to catch C1 back to East

6:30 p.m. Dinner with Thomas Jefferson’s corpse at Monticello

8:00 p.m. Watch The Big Bang Theory on CBS

  • Chortle

8:35 p.m. Attend ceremony in which Washington D.C. is renamed National Rubenstein Gallery Hall Library

9:00 p.m. Return home to Bethesda

9:22 p.m. Feed fish

10:00 p.m. Wash face, apply Biore strip, acknowledge wife

  • Don’t forget to take gummy vitamins

10:05 p.m. Kiss Declaration of Independence good night

  • Activate anti-Nicolas Cage alarm system

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