Every day before work, I go to the Starbucks near my office and purchase a small black coffee. I tell them my name, and every single time without fail I get back my coffee with the name “Saladin” written on it. My name isn’t Saladin, it’s Sam. The first time this happened I wrote it off as a mistake. It is entirely plausible that the barista confused my name with the famed 12th century Arabian sultan Saladin, but the sixth or seventh time it happened I realized something was up.

Last Monday, I confronted the usual barista after they called out “small black coffee for Salah ad-Din Yusuf ibn Ayuub, small black coffee for Saladin?” Of course, I knew it was my coffee because this was a regular occurrence. I told him my name was Sam, not Saladin, and the punk high-schooler shrugged saying, “hey man, next time just enunciate, I guess,” and walked away. I was late for work so I left the Starbucks furious. However, this time was different.

I exited the Starbucks content with my coffee, yet still confused at the name change and I heard yelling from across the parking lot. I ignored it and walked to my Honda Accord, when I heard a voice yell, “there’s the heathen!” and I looked up to see three men clad in armor barreling down on me on horseback. I quickly hopped into my Honda Accord and sped away. One was able to send a javelin into the rearview mirror, as they followed me all the way to the McDonald’s on the corner.

How am I to enjoy my morning coffee when Crusaders ride me down on horseback in the parking lot? Just a couple of days ago when they called “Saladin,” I noticed three or four Crusaders sitting in the lounge area wearing large trench coats barely concealing their swords and Templar regalia. So I left the Starbucks without getting my coffee! I tried changing the name I gave to “James” but when I got it back it said “Julius Caesar” and when I went to my car, Visigoth barbarians threw an axe into the hood of my car. It seems that I can’t escape this annoyance!

I resigned myself in the last few days to accept this, as long as I want Starbucks. I would go to Dunkin Donuts, but they’re health rating is only 96 compared to Starbucks’ 101. I still have a gift card for Starbucks with 35$ left on it, so I might as well suck it up and deal with these Crusaders. All I know now is that I must defend the Holy City at any cost.

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