We’re spreading. Every hallway of every dorm feels our presence. We mark our territory with our iconic signature: the purple laundry bag. You already know who it is. We’re affiliated with that student-run “company”, the lifeblood of this university that cleans your room and gives you food and mattresses. We are Laundrymenandwomen. You leave your dirty clothes outside your dorm room and we return them washed, dried, folded, and sorted by color scheme and/or days of the week if you’re into that sort of regimented underwear (and if you need the help of strangers to wash your clothes and clean your room, we’re guessing that you are). But it’s time you start relying on Laundrymenandwomen even more to accomplish life’s menial tasks that you simply can’t be bothered to do. We’re rebranding. We’ve always been the heroes Duke doesn’t deserve and definitely doesn’t need, but we want to do even more. Behold, the expanded lists of services we now provide to spare you from becoming a functioning adult.
- Removal of any unwanted insects from your bedroom and a heart-felt yet false consolation that there won’t be any more
- A personal pre-dental student who will brush your teeth and remind you one week before your dentist appointment (which we will arrange) that you should probably start flossing
- Automated Facebook birthday wall posts with two options: The classic “Happy Birthday!!Hope your day was as great as you are” or the soon-to- be seasonally appropriate “hbd. HAGS don’t ever change”
- Deletion of internet browser tabs after you finish writing a paper
- Page-turning for your reading assignments
- Weather updates: You won’t need to check your phone since your personal servant will walk outside and report back on whether or not you will need a jacket.
- Toilet-flushing in case the automatic flushing feature hasn’t done so four times already
- Shoelace tying or encouragement to please wear flip flops because oh lawd this is demeaning
Sign up today or you might waste three minutes of your life performing these mundane tasks yourself! But if you’re still worried that your friends won’t get the hint that you’re rich as schmuck, we’re offering the following services for an extra $10,000 a semester.
- 24/7 protection against thievery of your food in a communal refrigerator
- A reserved seat on the bus because only peasants stand
- Someone to escort you to class and distract you from accidentally making eye contact with your O-Week friend
- Pulling an all-nighter? We’ll send out one of our share-holders to stay up with you and update your Snapchat story every hour. This will help your friends understand the next day why you’re so tired you’re “literally gonna die”
- Guaranteed Yakarma with relatable but not at all clichéd yaks like “Screw Duke Parking” or“This is the most Monday-esque Wednesday ever”
Joins us in perpetuating the stereotype that all Duke students are pretentious trust fund babies.
Don’t spend another day exerting effort, or worse, being mistaken for a plebian. Remember folks, don’t dawdle, get coddled!