Panda Express

I stumbled upon this window into Chinese cuisine a few days ago. I was passing on the plaza when the delicious aromas coaxed me inside. It’s small and cozy with lots of character. I settled on the orange chicken and walnut shrimp, which were delectable. One by one I devoured the colorful fast food and savored every kilogram of salt. But, I had try them together. I prepared myself for a bite the perfect amalgation of orange, chicken, and shrimpy flavor. Chicken, in. Shrimp, in. Swallow. But then air wouldn’t come to me, and I panicked. As I am a man of action, I pounded my chest to dislodge the fatty foes. Like a panda giving birth at the zoo, all eyes were on me. I coughed and I coughed until finally the pair were cast out. I almost went straight to a buttery grave, and no one around me lifted a finger. I won’t come back.

Café Edens:

Wow! What a find! Tucked away in McClendon tower, Café Edens is a must try. Taking after its namesake, this is paradise at Duke. I got the quesadilla, which was delicious. It’s like going south of the border, but at the crack of dawn at an American diner. Lime sour cream, pico de gallo, and scrambled eggs recognize their differences but manage to co-exist peacefully in a flavorful mix in my mouth. Some people could learn something from this quesadilla.

Even at the eatery, though, diners were clearly not as excited about the food as I was. They interrupted my audible enjoyment of my meal with their rude whispers and glaring eyes. I ignored these detractors of my joy, until two police officers barged in and assaulted me. They carried me out, and harassed me with nonsensical phrases like “you’re not in Edens, Adam,” and “this is public indecency”, and “why did you think you could wear only a loin cloth in here?”

Someone sneezed next to me, with an “its-Pitchforks-not-Edens-anyway-you-idiot” right onto my food! I let him borrow my loin as a handkerchief, and then got pinned to the ground by the police.



Just had lunch at ABP – I’ve been excited to try the place for a while. I got the Newport Turkey – a wonderful sandwich on country white with cheddar, avocado, and a pinch of honey mustard. Initially, I just let myself look at it. I’ve found that sandwiches have so much more to offer than just their taste. There is beauty in every precisely cut lunchmeat, and every dribble of melted cheese has a story.

At last, I brought it closer and closer until the scent almost overwhelmed me. And then, it fell apart before my eyes. Turkey and avocado both tumbled to the plate as I could barely watch, hardly able to breathe.  

In a sandwich, bread is simply the vessel to carry better types of food from plate to mouth. ABP broke this fundamental contract between man and meal, and I didn’t stand for it. I approached the counter, slapped the ruined sandwich down and demanded another.

I insisted, because it had fallen apart, and I had paid for intact food. Instead of doing his job, and making me another, or fixing my neutered sub, he called me a douche! I’m done with Duke dining. No sandwich, no stars.


About the Reviewer

William H became an Elite Yelper on May 8th 2016. He enjoys tending to the air flow of his cacti-cacti terrarium, bringing food ratings to people who can’t tell what they’re eating by the way it tastes, and stealing entire cakes from Marketplace. Currently, he is taking a break from yelping over a misunderstanding on the Book of Genesis.

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