A porcelain-skinned and conventionally attractive freshman at a top institution is still reeling from not getting a bid from a highly coveted top fraternity. After an extensive rush process of heavy drinking, desperate attempts make new “friends”, and several episodes of mild existential dread, the student was completely devastated to find his lone bid was from a mid-tier fraternity.

His roommate expressed similar surprise, going as far as to say that Smith was, indeed, “very chill”. Displaying all traits of western-centric attractivity and having a “comfortable” background, the jaded former-rushee can’t understand why he didn’t get a bid. Local citizens, news teams, and public officials throughout the town are reeling from the incident and months later have found little in the way of answers.

“My father works at Goldman, for Christ’s sake.” Smith remarked, adding later–rather nervously–that there was no way they could have known about his self-reported 1.5625% Cherokee heritage on Duke’s application. He recounted his rush process as emotionally draining and personally humiliating on a few levels, but insists he definitely enjoyed the rigorous process of being judged on every aspect of his physical appearance.

John McAllister Tallman, a current top frat pledge, insisted Smith “should have definitely gotten in” and that perhaps there was a “glitch in the system”.  While wearing his clothes backwards and having just woken up for class after sleeping in a location randomly selected by the fraternity, he also confirmed Smith was “like, pretty good looking, no homo”.

This upset has sparked controversy throughout Smith’s dorm room. A crippling rejection that has left Smith questioning traits he had always felt confident in before and have now lead to three consecutive 5 pm one-person “protests” at the library entrance.

Decrying norms that would have worked in his favor, Smith stated he is slowly coming to terms with the outcome and decidedly muttered that the free time would allow him to focus more on his BME/Pre-med/Econ triple major.

“Greek life is super problematic anyways. And classist. And it upholds the status quo of white supremacy,” the Aryan from a financially stable household later insisted. Our interview with Smith ended as he hurriedly attempted to make up for overdue Calculus problem sets his hangovers had postponed.

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