White male professors everywhere have taken the past two weeks to recover from cases of extreme bewilderment.  Their debilitating confusion first struck after the sharp increase in absences on the day following the election of a literal fascist.

At first, this pasty population tried to carry on with business as usual with dry lectures and midterms. But with only half of the class in attendance, these men, grasping at straws, instead proceeded with dry yet topical lectures, addressing issues such as the economy of Trump’s America with academic emotional detachment. Staring into the sparse lecture hall at students dehydrated from constant crying, many professors began to show symptoms of befuddlement or indifference. Panic and distress ensued as they failed to postulate explanations for their students’ disturbing behavior. One STEM instructor who was deeply impacted by the poor class attendance pleaded, “The laws of physics didn’t change overnight. I don’t understand why we can’t just focus on the important things in life like differential equations.” While most faculty members have recovered and since moved on from these jarring events, we ask that you still keep them in your prayers as they now face the daunting task of rehabilitation, namely, developing empathy. Donations to these efforts may be sent here.

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