After carefully reviewing the social media presence of the three candidates running for Duke Student Government president, Department Of feels incredibly confident making our endorsement based on the profile pictures, Spoon University interviews, and Squarespace websites we have seen.
Department Of has decided to endorse Annie Adair for president, because she has a minimalist and chic aesthetic that reminds us of ourselves. Her profile picture coolly reads, “I’m the girl who will take care of you when you get too drunk at the pre-game. I won’t leave you puking on the lawn. I’ll give you water and a granola bar from my purse.” And like Department Of, she’s not funny in a laugh-until-you-cramp way, but funny in the endearing way like when your mom unexpectedly makes a dirty joke at the dinner table. More than anything else, she tries, but she knows she tries, so it’s not like she’s a try-hard or anything, she’s just like that mom who cuts the apples into slices for soccer practice. A vote for Annie Adair is a vote for Mom.
Tara Bansal is clearly the “Chosen One,” since she was crowned future DSG Prez during O-Week of her freshman year by the only institutionally-supported selective living community for neoliberal feminists at Duke…no, not Baldwin Scholars, Alpha Phi. Tara has key constituencies in Duke Debate, the quidditch team, Duke Lasya, and Ray Li. And it is admirable that she somehow managed to have a photoshoot with half of the student body in two weeks. Tara is what we at Department Of like to call an “over-dog”: a person who is clearly intelligent, capable, and connected in politics, but who stopped trending in 2015. She is clearly (over)qualified with her impeccable business casual fashion, but sometimes less is more. To us, endorsing Tara is like cheering for the Patriots: clearly they are one of the best teams in the NFL, but don’t you feel kind of shitty for egging on all those assholes in Boston?
The only memorable thing about John Guarco is that amazing “Holy Moly, Guarcomole” cover photo with the caption “and it won’t cost extra”. I mean we have to give it to him, that was genius. But you can’t just vote based on one cover photo––you have to at least look at the profile picture too. Anyway after deeper reflection we realized he’s like that nice guy you can’t decide on while Tinder-ing drunk on a Friday night. Invoke the “five second rule”: if he’s not appealing after five seconds, swipe left.
Plus, we’ve elected women for five years in a row, why stop now?
Fuck you, Chronicle, for not publishing our endorsement. (But Good Job on that Trask piece!)