Duke Student Government has just announced the appointees for next year’s highly coveted Cabinet positions! They are all expected to be confirmed by the group as early as next week. Meet the people who will now be running your university!
VP of Social Culture: Andy Williamson
Andy is an extremely involved student on campus, serving as the President for a number of clubs and organizations. These groups include Blue Devils for Sobriety, the Abolish Greek Life Council, and End SLGs NOW, a vigilante group that has been criticized for its extremist methods. Williamson has come under fire in the past for numerous scandals that have been associated with his name, including calling the cops on WOBO, setting off a stinkbomb during a Cooper House rush event, and replacing the Loop Bar vodka with water.
VP of Equity: Christine Shaw
Christine Shaw, a Deerfield Academy grad and Darien, CT native is the captain of the Women’s Soccer Team at Duke and member of the Pi Beta Phi sorority. She is an economics major, and vocal proponent of laissez faire ideology. When asked what she thought about the position, she was quoted as saying “This is gonna be such an easy job! Things tend to just sort themselves out and be fair for everybody, so I don’t think I’ll really have to do much in order to ensure that all Duke students have the same opportunities and experiences. In fact, to ensure efficiency I’m going to do as little as a possibly can to help those in need.”
VP of Academic Affairs: Winston Brantworth III
Brantworth, a triple legacy at Duke, was somehow admitted to the school with a high school GPA of 1.7. On campus, he is an Evolutionary Anthropology minor (he has underloaded every semester and in fact has no major) and a member of the Alpha Delta Phi fraternity. He has actually never passed a class at Duke, but has remained on campus due to family connections. He will be working for Goldman Sachs next year.
VP of Durham and Regional Affairs: Ju Lee
Ju Lee is a stellar student, with a GPA at the top of her class at Duke Kunshan University. She is passionate about Duke basketball and loves badminton. While she has yet to leave her native China, she is ecstatic to be our community’s lead liaison with the Durham community and has asserted her undying affection for the “Cow City”. Lee has promised to bring student discounts at her Durham favorites such as Galactic Cantina, Flaco’s Tacos, and Hellish Bison.
VP of Residential Life: Rohan Masireddy
Rohan, whose parents own India’s largest telecommunications company, has never actually lived in a Duke University dorm. For his years at Duke, his parents have paid for him to live in a studio at The Berkshire 9th Street while also paying for his unoccupied room on campus. Rohan has assured Department Of that his lack of experience with dorm life will provide a “fresh perspective” on housing at Duke.
VP of Services: Elise Martinez
A longtime critic of Duke’s existing offering of services, Martinez has vowed to vastly expand the number of services available to all Duke students through the university. In a campaign manifesto that went viral in the duke community, Elise promised a number of services that she would bring to campus if appointed, including: roommate removal, ePrint delivery, open mic mass at the chapel, surrogate tenters, ferrets on the quad during midterms, campus hoverboard sharing service, east to west campus teleportation, free cups of water at West Union, and reimbursements for Shooters and Devine’s cover charges.