Red Solo Cup- Red Solo Cup passed away this Sunday morning after being deposited in the trash by Sigma Nu brother Jonah Goldberg, who eulogized the scarlet cylinder with just a single sentence: “Last night was pretty fucking lit.”

The cup, who lived to the ripe age of 12 hours, first gained consciousness when he was harvested from his Costco 200-pack womb by brother Weinstein, who christened him with a round of Aristocrat vodka shots. Not to be wasteful, Weinstein reused Cup for a mixed drink of Crat and Sprite Zero, which “totally has no calories bro.” Cup’s most emotional life memory came when brother Weinstein stood up on a table and chugged a beer out of him in 3.4 seconds, much to the amusement of the Pi Beta Phi sisters looking on in awe. However, soon after this crowning achievement, Weinstein tossed the cup aside, stating that it was time to head to Devine’s. Cup is remembered by no one.

Summer 16- After showing strong signs of life well into September, Summer succumbed to the same chronic case of Time as her family has suffered for the last several thousand millennia. Done in by the onset of football season, changing leaves, and rainy weather, Summer finally gave her last dying breath on September 21 at the age of 3 months. Between Brexit, Drake and Future’s joint tour, and Ryan Lochte’s gas station adventures, Summer lived an eventful and tumultuous life. Sophomore Greg Jenkins said that he would remember Summer 16 as “when I finally fucked hot Christine from my high school,” while senior Annie D’Agostino called the departed “my last gasp of free air before I enter the crushing reality of life after graduation.” She will be survived by her sister, Autumn.  

255 Freshmen BME Major Aspirations- In what seems to be a yearly occurrence of senseless slaughter, over 250 first-year Blue Devils were forced to watch in horror as their hopes and dreams of becoming Biomedical Engineering Majors were annihilated completely. The primary suspect in the mass killings is the first Orgo 1 midterm, which was described by one freshman as “worse than AIDS.” Another called the test “harder than trying to explain the periodic table to my friend at UNC.” While some aspirations died early in the studying process for the test, others lived all the way until the first call home following the posting of the test grade on Sakai. The hundreds of fallen are survived by their numerous offspring, Neuroscience, Psychology, and Sociology.

Love- Love, in critical condition after Brangelina’s tragic September split, finally kicked the bucket this past Sunday after junior Andy Watson didn’t say “hi” to freshman Katie Jones when they passed in Perkins. Despite the fact that they had hooked up the last five Shooters nights and Katie had slept in Andy’s Central Campus apartment the night before, he couldn’t muster even a simple nod of acknowledgment in her direction, frightened that the group of friends he was walking with would ridicule him for being “wifed.” Katie was especially mortified by his cold indifference because she had just been bragging to her friends about “this hot junior guy I’m totally gonna start dating.” Love is survived by its evil twin, bitter resentment.

Penn Pavilion- After three years of dedicated service, Penn Pavilion has passed on into the Great Dining Hall in the Sky. Resented by all who crossed through his doors, Penn will be remembered for his catchphrase, “when the fuck is the West Union gonna be finished.” Knowing his days on campus were numbered, Penn tended to have an indifferent attitude towards things like variety, service, and being open on weekends. Senior Crystal Zhang, a two-year resident of West Campus who now lives at The Heights, was quoted as saying “Penn Pavilion can rot in hell for all I care. I ate the same shit, 3 meals a day, for 2 goddamn years. Now these lucky bastards get to eat gourmet meals at some shiny place that’s actually centrally located. Christ Almighty.” Pavilion was usurped by his upstart cousin, West Union.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *