As November passes us by, the days have grown shorter, the weather colder, and the lattes have turned from pumpkin spice to peppermint. This year is special though. We are lucky enough to witness the emergence above-ground of Trump supporters from their respective frats.
Readjusting their pastel Chubbies and trying to scrub off the dicks drawn on their foreheads, the brothers excitedly awake from their long, eight year hibernation, where they could only make racist and homophobic comments within the confines of their elite living community. Newly emboldened to increase their frequency of playing “devil’s advocate” in the classroom, their intolerance for women and people of color that had previously come out in anonymous posts on Yik Yak, is now on full display, signaling the beginning of a long four years. After having their mating rituals actively covered up by the university for so long, the Nigma Su and Appa Kalpha are eager to openly start their search for mates be standing on the quad at 2 AM, double fisting Natty Ice cans, and screaming “Grab ‘em by the pussy!” Previously confined to their and burrows and man-caves, they had only been able to talk about their support for Trump in hushed tones, always feeling obligated to add that they liked him for his economic policies. But now, Selta Digma and Dlpha Pelta Ahi brothers can openly embrace the violent xenophobia and white nationalism that characterized his campaign. Iconic red caps that had been hidden away while they awaited the outcome of the election can now be freely worn to their econ and pub pol classes. The eight years they had to spend thinly-masking their misogyny and distaste for immigrants finally is over, waking them from their “PC Culture”-induced slumber just in time to get their dad to pull some strings at Goldman Sachs to get them an internship.