We’ve all been there before. Your friends are busy reminiscing over their weekend at Common Ground and your butthole can’t take one more round of Dragon Gate. It’s time to do the stride of pride into West Union alone. You consider getting your food to-go, but your crazy environmentalist hallmate, Cathy, practically jumped you with your own disposable knife the last time she caught you eating from a plastic container. But fear not! Follow these simple steps and you too can eat in public without buying two plates of food for your “friend” who’s “in the bathroom”.


DO: Consider taking your food outside where it might be less crowded.

DO NOT: Apply mayonnaise or sour cream to your face in lieu of sunscreen and ask people if it’s rubbed in.

DO: Use a fork and knife to cut your food.

DO NOT: Dig out an artichoke heart with your fingers yelling “You heartless vegetable!”

DO: Remember that you have friends.

DO NOT: Periodically yell out their names so that others know as well.

DO: Eavesdrop on nearby conversations.

DO NOT: Ask them to catch you up on the parts that you missed. Who is Chad again? When was the first UTI?

DO: Silently laugh at your own wit as you judge others.

DO NOT: Develop an alternate personality and get into an argument.

DO: Listen to music through headphones.

DO NOT: Perform the opera you wrote about your birthmark shaped like shrimp tempura.

DO: Ignore your surroundings and retreat into your own thoughts.

DO NOT: Whisper “Are you looking at me?” to the people next to you. They will look.

DO: Pretend to do homework despite the atrocious acoustics.

DO NOT: Make a paper mache model of your professor and worship it.

DO: Invite a friend to join you if they see you.

DO NOT: Wrap yourself in tinfoil to make yourself more detectable by echolocation.


DO: Get over yourself and just eat alone.  

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