Has your post-election depressive spiral made you avoid the news at all costs? Well, fear not, Dept. Of will get you caught up on everything you’ve missed while you were paralyzed with fear.
Confirmation of Betsy DeVos
Breaking the glass ceiling: A woman who has never even laid eyes on a public school was confirmed as Education Secretary. She’s a trailblazer that proves white women can be just as catastrophically racist as white men.
President Trump signed an executive order that barred refugees from entering the US, prompting nationwide protests across the country. The Duke College Republicans responded by gathering to masturbate to the news in Gross Hall.
Republicans Spearheading Effort to Repeal Affordable Care Act
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan has continued to lead the fight against poor people being able to go to the doctor, newly emboldened by the Trump presidency and a conservative majority in both the House and Senate. The Republican leadership have promised that the repeal of ObamaCare will be followed by a replacement plan of just throwing Tylenol at cancer patients from the windows of their Mercedes Benz.
“Alternative Facts” Scandal
Kellyanne Conway, notorious Cryptkeeper cosplayer and Counselor to President Trump, coined this phrase while giving a television interview. Liberal pundits everywhere orgasmed simultaneously.
Rogue National Park Twitter
Amid the social media gag order on the Environmental Protection Agency, the Department of Agriculture, the Department of Health and the National Park Service, the Badlands official twitter started tweeting out climate change data. Hats off to that high school intern that went from weird tree nerd to antifascist hero in just a few keystrokes.
Jeff Sessions Confirmed as Attorney General
Sessions, the human manifestation of racist things your uncle has said during holiday dinners, was confirmed as Attorney General.
With white femininity being under fire for the first time in years, white, moderately-liberal, cis women turned out in droves with pink knitted hats holding up signs depicting vaginas. After hugging police and shouting “love trumps hate” over chants of “Black lives matter”, they instagrammed their first protest with the hashtags #PUSSYPOWER and #IDontKnowAnyTransWomen
Rex Tillerson Confirmed as Secretary Of State
The former CEO of a multinational oil and gas corporation was officially confirmed as the Trump Administration’s cabinet member that is responsible for advising the president on foreign policy decisions. This continued to add to the rumors swirling that the president’s close advisors were modeled after a particularly heavy-handed Banksy piece.
Steve Bannon Named Chief Strategist
Yet another coked-out white Sexagenarian we would never want to imagine having sex has been assigned to a high governmental position. The stream of some of the ugliest white purists have streamed into the White House since the election, but Bannon’s seemingly unchecked access to (as well as influence over) the President has led some to believe that the person really making executive decisions is him. As a result, Department Of is excited to announce our endorsement for the next president of the US is who ever can get a bullet in his head.
Shia LaBeouf’s Anti-Trump Livesteam Art Instillation
Shia’s live feed was shut down because it was taken over by white supremacists and became a broadcast of nazi propaganda. Now we only have Breitbart, InfoWars, and White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer.