Do you think campus still suffers from a dearth of identity-based workshops, monologues, performances, and protests? We do, too! In honor of this year’s annual “Who Am I, Really?… No, Really?!” Showcase, we introduce to you None of the Above Monologues!

Unlike its counterparts, None of the Above attempts to highlight Duke’s least marginalized margins and most minor minorities, giving them their chance to be heard at last. Enjoy a few excerpts of this year’s carefully selected pieces:


“There I sat, a butt plug halfway into my large intestine, my best friend filleting the largest fish we’d caught all week, and a bag of magical beans I’d stolen from my abusive aunt. How had I gotten to this point?” – Susan

“It was at that point in my life that I returned my shawl, said goodbye to my Guatemalan second family, and headed back to the hills of Nebraska” – Anonymous, First-year

“And all I could ask myself was: ‘What would YOU do if a dragon murdered your family, holding your last remaining brother as ransom?” – Anonymous, Senior

“Where did my wings go?” – Anonymous, Freshman First-year Student Being

“The craziest part of it is: I don’t think I even have any more barbecue sauce” – Anonymous, Junior

“A buoyant, animate, and responsive piece of green rubber? It had cognizance! It had life! I’d created not only my greatest accomplishment, but also my best friend.” –  Anonymous, Sophomore

“I love Duke, and I appreciate it as an imperfect but enjoyable academic and social institution!” – Anonymous, Undisclosed Year


We at None of the Above can imagine what you’re thinking: there’s NO WAY these stories are true! That, my friend, is where you’re wrong. We only share our anonymous Google form submission link to the All Duke Facebook group, ensuring that each of these stories is the authentic, unadulterated, and true Duke voice. Submit your piece here!

Want to see your university like you’ve never seen it before? Want to indulge in some of the most bizarre narratives this campus has to offer? Want to show solidarity with the most minor minorities on campus. Then come on down to None of the Above Monologues, showing twice in the Ubuntu common room after Mark’s midterms end on Wednesday and Friday*

And stay tuned for upcoming audition information for Me Neither Monologue Series, by checking our website:


*Please be quiet entering, in case Mark is still studying*

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