To Whom It May Concern:

I noticed Tallman between January and March of 1994 but did not have the pleasure of making his acquaintance until June 6th 2006. It was a year after some personal problems and just months after Duke’s Lacrosse Scandal began when I found him sitting at my hometown bar – He’s Not Here, a property I own. Great bar– I’ve made a lots of deals there.

It hadn’t been easy for Tallman. He was faced with a number of tremendous challenges in his life– challenges that most people don’t come back from.  But Tallman is a very smart guy. He knows a good deal when he sees it and he knew mine was good the moment I laid it out in front of him.

Since he signed his soul away to me, Tallman has always performed with the best of intentions in mind, but humans are all flawed. When we first started working together I put Tallman in charge of Duke’s most elite, sexist, and probably racist groups on campus — the secret societies. As a key member of a then secret and now “secret” society, Tallman inadvertently cc’ed suspected inductees in his efforts to deny its existence to investigative journalist Samantha Lachman [insert Verified Badge] –

He responded at 8:45 p.m., copying former Young Trustee Sunny Kantha, Trinity ’09, senior Chris Brown, Young Trustee-elect, and Paul Harraka, Trinity ’12, now a race car driver, to alert them to my inquiry.
“Don’t really know much about them. Sorry.”
Follow-up response, 8:49 p.m.
“The CCs on my previous message were meant to be BCCs. Pls ignore.”

Over the years I have worked incredibly hard to get Tallman into the highest echelons of administration within the walls of Duke, but as you can see he hasn’t made it easy.  It finally came to the point where I had to cement his position at Duke by pulling a few strings here and there to save Duke a couple hundred million dollars in the midst of the financial crisis. After that, Tallman was declared a hero, and I thought my work was done.

But of course, it wasn’t that easy. I go out of my way to make things simple for him, and he still can’t hit someone with his car and drop racial slurs without the entire world finding out.  However, in a moment where most administrative officials in his position would have been immediately asked to resign,  he managed to slip away unharmed by serving as the head of a “task force” to rename buildings at Duke (thanks to yours truly).  He was originally instructed to convince the board to rename West Union after Abele, but you have to understand that some of those board members have weird complexes and could never agree to demands from some protesters – I should know, I’ve done a lot of deals with them. Besides, we can always do what we did with Edens again– we’ll make Abele a riot-proof quad and have the students pay for it.

All that being said though, Tallman Trask is fiercely loyal and a hell of a dancer. Feel free to contact me if you have any further questions.


Cheers,

Satan

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