In what has become an epidemic across Duke’s campus, another student was found dead due to starvation late Friday night.

Pratt junior Michael Smith passed away in a Perkins third floor cubicle in a pool of his own urine, curled up in the fetal position with pieces of lined paper stuffed up in the side of his mouth. According to early reports, Smith had forgotten to schedule eating into his calendar.

Said Mary Brown, a close friend of Smith and one-time Shooters hookup: “I told him to add ‘Eating’ to his calendar or else he would forget! He told me he had a huge BME project to do… I just knew it wouldn’t cross his mind to get some food. I should have brought him something–there are SO many dining options on campus.”

Smith is the 8th student on campus to die due to starvation, and several more have come close. According to professors in the Psychology Department, college students’ natural survival instincts of eating and urinating have been numbed by excessive scheduling of their days. However, in the last few minutes before death, the body suddenly realizes that it is dying and does anything it can to sustain itself, usually in vain. This explains the paper in the Smith’s mouth and the puddle of piss in which he was found.

Larry Moneta, Vice President of Student Affairs, released a statement this morning to share his condolences with the Smith, his family, and others who have been afflicted by poor scheduling. “We must remind ourselves what is important in life. Food, water, shelter, using the restroom… These are the things that make our existence fulfilling. I am optimistic about the future and take great comfort in knowing that you, the students, will begin using your calendars more often.”

Massive backlash followed, as usual. Students have bombarded Moneta’s inbox in the few hours following the statement, lambasting him for ignoring other causes of death on campus. Several students, while staring at their phones as they crossed the street, have been hit by buses. Others living in Craven quad have been scared to death after waking up to hundreds of cockroaches swarming over their beds. The biggest culprit, however: an insidious sense of happiness coupled with dangerously high amounts of free time (15-20 minutes). Contrary to popular belief, general well being can actually kill you. Beware. Be vigilant. Be busy. And don’t forget to write it down in your calendar.

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