I’m disappointed in you, America. Not for deep frying butter or refusing to adopt the metric system, but for once again forgetting about that other holiday on February 14th. It’s Single Awareness Day— one more reason to be S.A.D. on Valentine’s Day. February 14th came and went this year without much public acknowledgement of the malady commonly known as “being single”. It’s time we start truly spreading awareness for The Singles.
It is incredibly easy to help the Singles around you. We are asking that you either donate a meager $5 to our S.A.D. cause or post a video of yourself dumping a bucket of ice water on your head with the hashtag #SADicebucketchallenge. Tag your friends so that the entire process resembles a pyramid scheme. It’s a win-win and a very good deal for all parties involved. We also want to make sure you are appropriately equipped to understand this issue so let me share some of the harsh reality of the Singles:
- They’re single, not out of choice, but because they are the undesirable members of society
- They really are lonely when they’re alone
- They can’t fully conceive of what happiness feels like since they’re incomplete on their own
- They have at least one deal-breaker quality, like cankles or the tendency to overuse the descriptors “lit” and “fire”
- They have too many cats and/or cat-like qualities
- They have an unfavorable hot to crazy ratio
Those poor souls. Still not convinced we need to raise awareness for Singles? Consider for a moment the extent of the population plagued by this affliction. 10 out of 10 babies born each day are single! (Some extreme conservatives have contested this, arguing that no one is born single and it’s likely “just a phase”).
So what will we do with your donations?
We will begin by creating dozens of dating show spin-offs including “The Bachelor: Average-Looking Edition” where the winner receives an all-expense paid vacation at one of the best plastic surgery spas in Los Angeles.
The Ice Bucket Challenge for Singles Awareness has the potential to end the plight of millions of people. By dumping cold water on your head, you are making a direct and tangible difference to making the world a better place. With your help we think we can reach our goal to raise enough money to successfully eradicate the Singles by February 14, 2017!
So grab an ice tray and camera or better yet, your wallet. Let’s band together and spread awareness for Singles. And remember, One Bucket Can Change The World ™