My life is over. These last few months have been agonizing and I’m scared that things will never get better. I can’t remember the last night I didn’t cry myself to sleep which is starting to gross me out because my lab partner, Sheila, told me that tears are 90% urine even though I think she’s wrong because Yahoo Answers says it’s not true. Stupid Sheila.
This is my life now. There is no light at the end of this tunnel. You comforted me, faithful diary, with your tear-stained pages when I was devastated that Charlie didn’t want to make out with me after Senior Prom even though we totally made eye contact twice. But now I am beyond even your help. They warned me, you know. My parents always chided me and said “If you keep making that face it will stay that way forever”. I just thought it was one of their usual jokes like “Hi Hungry, I’m Dad” or “You were a mistake”. And for most of my life, that was the case. I was free to contort my face into silly expressions to my heart’s content. Everything changed on September 16, 2015.
That was the day Snapchat first introduced their Lenses. Open your mouth and out comes a rainbow. Raise your eyebrows and you become an old person with a monocle. “I frickin love monocles. Let’s do this!” my naive self thought. I almost didn’t update my app, but then I remembered how crucial every Adobe software update has been to improving my quality of life. I let my crippling FOMO take over. I, too, wanted to have a shimmering rainbow pour out of my mouth–until I didn’t.
Have you ever tried to speak, but instead of words coming out of your mouth, out rolls a glittering ROYGBIV? If I laugh, cough, or so much as breathe through my mouth when I have a stuffy nose, I choke on reflected and refracted light. You see, every time I open my face hole, my eyes get big and black, my cheeks turn rosy pink, and I taste the rainbow. The only people that loathe skittles more than I do are SNU pledges.
I’ve had a few months now to adjust to my new life. Five sororities contacted me about being a token sister to fill a very niche diversity quota. Duke even put me on the front page of their pamphlet for the Center for Sexual and Gender Diversity with the caption “Let that rainbow flag fly”. Still, it’s hard not to feel alone sometimes. I found a support group called the People of Malfunctioning Snapchats. Besides the fact that its initialism is PMS, I get to meet a lot of mucked up people like me, so I like it. Here’s the crew:
Doug becomes a dog when he opens his mouth. He told us that walking outside is a nightmare when his fellow canines constantly sniff his butt. Then again, Doug is an orgo TA so he’s used so people kissing his ass.
Leslie is stuck with the face swap. Actually, we’re all stuck with Leslie’s face. No one wins. No one.
Timmy might have it the worst. He transforms into a demon every time he opens his mouth, kind of like Trump. He’s trying to make the most of it, though. He handily won Best Non-Cultural-Appropriating Costume on Halloween mostly since the only other available ideas were a carrot and Brita filter. It really stinks though because Timmy was wanting to be an elementary school teacher and now he can’t work with kids because, well, that s#it is terrifying. His demon face is pretty scary, too.
Like that quote on Pinterest says: “Life is always rocky when you’re a gem”. Give me the strength, beloved diary, to endure it.
Until next time,
Your keeper, Gretchen