Dear diary,

I give up – no one wants to be my friend. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I try to interact with people in the common room and no matter what I do get smacked. I scurry as fast as I can to greet them with a smile? Smacked. I make cute chirping noises? Definitely smacked. Sitting still in the corner? Believe it or not, I get smacked.

CarlRoach told me I’m a weirdo, but I don’t think there’s anything strange about a sentient beetle trying to bond with undergraduates. I just want to have someone I can lurk in shower drains with, you know? Someone who wants to dart between rickety desks with me. I really don’t think we’re so different. They do ab workouts, and I have an abdomen. They tent, and I live and sleep unprotected from the elements at the mercy of random sophomores. They eat at Grace’s, and I eat garbage.

What Duke students need to do is open their minds and let us meet people. The existing avenues aren’t good enough – when I went to Tea with Strangers, I fell into the cup. I tried rushing fraternities, and even though we bonded over damp basement corners, I still felt like something was missing. I mentioned how I could really go for a burger that’s been left outside for a few weeks, and everyone looked at me like I had three antennae. I even tried Tinder – I actually was surprisingly successfully there, but I didn’t meet anyone my type.

I’m going through  hard time, but I believe that someday cockroaches will be thought of as more than the lowest form of life. UNC students will exclusively hold that honor.

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