Moderator: Ladies and gentlemen of Duke University, welcome. I’m Chief Principal Executive Moderator of the DSG Electoral system. It’s on my resume. And these robes are “business casual.” We’re gathered here to listen to a select few of your nominees for Young Trustee. I’d like to remind you all that there is no videorecording permitted during the debate with the exception of cleverly captioned Snapchats. Let’s get right into it. Candidates, please briefly introduce yourselves.
Donald Trump: I’m a senior. Econ major. Campus Enterprises. I want to say– and not in a braggadocious way– that my GPA is in the billions. Billions. Tremendous.
Jeb Bush: Hey there, everyone. I know what you’re thinking. “He’s just like his older brother. That’s why he’s at Duke, that’s why he’s in KA, that’s why he tried to overcompensate with a chummy nickname.” But I’m not my brother. I don’t even really hang out with KA. I’m actually way closer with my freshman dorm friends. And I’m here to bring back Duke’s values.
Ben Carson: I’m Ben Carson. I’m pre-med, so I actually have to head out now if I’m going to make it to lab. It was a pleasure talking with you all.
Moderator: Thank you, Mr. Carson. Mr. Cruz?
Ted Cruz: Hello, everyone. My name is Ted. I’ve been with my girlfriend since O-Week freshman year. I’m a Robertson Scholar from UNC, but don’t worry– my fervor for this position eclipses the fact that I’m not actually eligible for it. I’m here to bring Duke back to greatness. And the number one way to do that is by shutting down the Women’s Center. It is nothing short of a Satanic catastrophe waiting to engulf us in the flames of immorality. Thank you.
Marco Rubio: Hi, everyone. I’m the mildly cute one.
Mike Huckabee: Hey there guys, I’m Mike. Sophomore Religious Studies major. Delighted to be up here with my fella candidates. As Young Trustee of Duke University, I will tackle the most pressing issue that faces all of us today: gay marriage.
Moderator: …Well, that’s really not up for debate here today– let’s just keep going. Mr. Walker?
Scott Walker: Hi everyone, I’m Scott Walker. You may recognize from me from my child acting work as the little boy from Up, but I’m just a regular guy who wants to take on the special interests at Duke. I’m uniquely qualified to do so because I don’t actually go to Duke. Or any college, for that matter. Thank you.
Chris Christie: My name’s Chris Christie. I’m the most belligerent person in every class discussion group. And I’d like you to please not look at me during this debate. I want you to look at yourselves, because leadership is not about me. It’s about you. Also because I can’t seem to control how much my face sweats, but mainly because leadership is about you.
Moderator: Thank you, Mr. Christie. Uh, the girl– go ahead.
Carly Fiorina: Hello. My name is Carly. I’m in Business Oriented Women and the constant struggle to be taken seriously by you people. My name may make me sound like I was a character in the Lizzie McGuire Movie. The one where she goes to Italy. I was not. Thank you.
Moderator: Thank you, candidates. I’ll ask you your first question: what makes you more qualified than any other candidate? Mr. Rubio, you may answer first.
Rubio: My family left their high school seeking a better life. My neighbors left their high schools seeking better lives. And they found it here, at Duke. They pulled themselves up by their own Sperry-straps and worked their way through the dream of American higher education. I’d like to extend that opportunity to all Duke students, families, and neighbors. Also, I did an 8 week DukeImmerse in Guatemala, and am therefore qualified to speak about all international issues. Thank you.
Moderator: Sure. Mr. Bush?
Bush: Do I come from a powerful Duke legacy? Yes. Have I smoked weed? Sure. Do I bear a strange human resemblance to Winnie the Pooh? Can’t deny it. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not personally qualified to sit on the Board of Trustees. I think we ought make Duke University a for-profit college. What’s to lose? I’m tired of all this wasteful “aid” and “work study” and “room and board.” We oughta streamline this university the way we would a business. Also, hold up– has anyone seen my lanyard? Darnit, Jeb.
Huckabee: First of all, I’d like to say that Jeb is a friend–
Bush looks crestfallen.
Huckabee: –and I think, regardless of his legacy, that he makes an excellent candidate. Now, as for my qualifications, I’ll tell ya one thing: I’ll bring God back to this campus. Duke was founded a Methodist university, and I intend to honor that tradition. The most important way for me to do that is to focus on the question of gay marriage. As Young Trustee, I will protect the Christian values of heterosexual marriage across this campus.
Moderator: Right, uh, again… that’s not really something that we’re debating, Mr. Huckabee. You don’t have a say in gay marriage as Young Trustee. No one else seems terribly concerned with it. Mr. Walker?
Walker: I think I’m the right kid for the job because–
Moderator: Shut up, Mr. Walker. Mr. Trump?
Trump: You know, I did an interview in the Chronicle the other day. You can check it out. You know what they said about me? Said I was the best interview they’d ever seen. Check it out. Nice people. You can ask them. I’m the best guy for this job. Only guy for this job. You know why? You see all the construction? You see how many buildings I’ve built? I’ve built a lot of buildings. And I’m the only candidate up here who takes buildings seriously. The East Campus wall? It’s a joke. Stupid. I’m gonna make it higher. Keep all the GDI’s out. I’m the only one who’s gonna do it. You think Carly’s gonna do it? Look at her face.
Moderator: Ms. Fiorina?
Fiorina: Trump’s bankrupt. His Campus Enterprises idea was that dumb note-taking app that no one used.
Trump: That’s garbage. Carly’s hot. I hate her. Beautiful face. Totally Key Three material. Disaster. Very beautiful girl.
Moderator: We’re going to take a quick break for intermission because Mr. Bush has to pee. We’ll be right back.
Intermission while all the candidates indecipherably yell at one another.
Moderator: Welcome back, everyone. Moving on to our next question: candidates, your main opposition is an Alpha Phi junior named Hillary Clinton–
Christie: She sucks!
Moderator: Ok, alright. Next question, then: what will you do to improve the day-to-day life of Duke students?
Trump: I’m gonna bring the hammer down on those Investment Club guys. I know ’em all. We’re friends, but they won’t be too happy with me. I know them. We’re friends. It’s tremendous.
Huckabee: As Young Trustee, I will protect the religious rights of the student body. And that means calling upon the federal judicial system to denounce gay marriage. I will–
Moderator: Jesus, Mr. Huckabee, drop it. Mr. Cruz?
Cruz: Ladies and gentlemen, I want to tell you a story. A story about bravery. About freedom. About America. A story about the greatest threat that you and your adorable, vulnerable, dimpled children are facing today: the Duke University Women’s Center. It is a bastion of violence and sorrow, and–
Moderator: Mr. Cruz, I’m sorry, I– I’ve just received a call. Your DukeCard has been found in the Women’s Studies department. They need you to go retrieve it.
Cruz’s head explodes. His lifeless body topples from the podium. Crowd mutters.
Moderator: Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like we’ll have to reschedule the rest of the debate for another day. Thank you.
Crowd begins to leave.
Bush: Guys, come on, seriously. Who took my lanyard?