We have seen too many relationships destroyed by shitty gifts, so we’re to help you pick the perfect, personalized gift for that special someone, whether it’s for a birthday, St. Patrick’s Day, Leap Day, whatever. Forget the chocolate, unoriginal cards, or teddy bears; in this day and age, your recipient expects something much more meaningful than that sad, wilted bunch of flowers you picked up from Harris Teeter 10 minutes before your reservations at Red Lobster. And so we proudly present our definitive, relatively reliable gift list for the people you are or will be sleeping with.

For the committed lover: Diamond and Black Onyx ring from The Gatsby Collection of Tiffany’s. At a cool $20,000, this is the only way to show how much you care.

For your “boyfriend”:  Axe Body spray is the best way to accentuate your boyfriend’s masculinity during this phase of the moon and bring back repressed memories of walking down your middle school hallway.

For your side-chick: A plastic ring– the cheaper the better. Bonus points if it’s from Dave and Buster’s. Your side-chick will really appreciate your sly sense of humor and the way you make light of the enormous elephant in the room that is your other (real?) relationship.

For your friends with benefits: A radiant bejeweled Margiela mask for that lover who absolutely adores pretending and hiding.

For your “girlfriend”: Jewelry? Cliche. Lingerie? Extremely cliche. Don’t fret, we know just the gift that demonstrates your extreme originality… $12.5 million dollar, diamond-encrusted bra by Victoria’s Secret. Combining everyone’s favorite gifts into one, functionality and comfort are tossed by the wayside in this pinnacle of any living creature’s greatest desires: shiny rocks, frivolous spending, and reproduction.

For your enemy with benefits: For the person you keep closer than your friends, a subscription to Tidal.

For your long distance high school on-again off-again SO: A leftover Reese’s Christmas tree or clearance Russel Stover’s chocolate box. It’s the perfect non-committal gift: just enough shittiness to remind them that you’re still “not ready for commitment”

For your rebound: A basketball

For your RA:  Bulletin board supplies? A cookout milkshake?

For your FAClet:  Copy of the Kama Sutra (required reading)

The “Will Be 18 in 2 months” :  Don’t.

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