The DJ: As a young white male from the suburbs of a pretty big city, this student was inspired to craft the most delicate and whimsical drops of the bass after listening to one Swedish Mafia track. The DJ wants everyone to “check out [his] mixtape, fam.” This kid has not only posted a link to his Soundcloud on every related university page but is now messaging you personally to ask if you’d be able to share on your profile so that you and your loved ones can gain exposure to the purest form of music.
Stat101 Student: The human equivalent of a YouTube ad, this student doesn’t have a statistically significant number of friends and honestly needs you to fill out this survey.
The Politician: Inspired by Ghandi’s “Be the change you want to see in the world,” and daddy’s “philanthropy,” the politician allegedly wants to touch the life of each and every student on campus. If elected, this student guarantees that he/she/they will secure a spot in the top 3 on Newsweek’s Annual College Ranking. All this person needs is your vote to be the next student government assistant vice treasurer.
The Proud Parent: Having already posted 23 statuses about her child’s year-long application process and persistent sinus infection, this parent was thrilled to find that the moderators of the university page finally accepted her request to join. Two hours into scrolling and stalking and scrolling and stalking, this parent will reach the terrible revelation that not enough people know how brilliant and unique her beautiful and prodigal child is. As this parent has said in many threads on College Confidential, “Do you even understand how hard it is to get into a top tier university when you apply early decision as a legacy?”
The Event Planner: Passionate about the art of event planning, the event planner has arranged the most extravagant and awe inspiring planned event of the year. Featuring free soggy wraps and lukewarm guest speaker.
The Samaritan: Inspired by the movie Pay It Forward (2000), this young soul is seeking no praise or recognition in his/her journey to better the lives of fellow students. The samaritan does not grasp the purpose of things like “student directory” or “private messaging,” but bless this kid’s heart, that doesn’t stop him/her from publicly returning your fake ID in a post seen by 8000+ other students and faculty. The samaritan takes true joy in having restored the essence of a peer’s soul and is also often confused for the campus Upworthy ambassador, as he/she seems to share at least 5 Upworthy posts a week about disabled pets.
The Inquirer: Thirsty for knowledge in all pursuits, the inquirer’s sole purpose in life is to gain wisdom. Thus, he/she finds it is necessary to ask essential questions, such as “Which teacher should I take for Econ 201?” and “When does tenting start for the next basketball game?” and “Is anyone driving to the airport for Winter Break of 2017?”
The Cat (Wo)Man / Animal Lover: When certifiably stray animals on campus go missing, this student’s sixth sense begins to tingle. And although this student knows that almost everyone looking at her post lives in a dorm where pets are explicitly prohibited, she/he still regularly posts about animals in the area available for adoption. It is this person’s duty to spread the word of lost feline community members and return them to their rightful (and nonexistent) homes.
The Student Who Actually Has Important Information to Disseminate: This person has something to share that actually matters. He/she may have experienced intolerance on the part of faculty or fellow students, struggled with inadequate University support systems, or witnessed prejudice on campus. He/she is trying to spread awareness of real and entrenched problems in higher education. This student’s post is typically drowned out by a barrage of posts promoting food delivery apps.