By now, you’ve probably noticed the towering glass testament to our tuition hikes that has finally opened. Just last year it was an eye sore of blue tarp and cranes, and now it has blossomed into an eye sore of absurd prices and class antagonism.

However, because the average student spends 90% of their time in West Union (WU) waiting for their crepe, there are some features you might have missed. In addition to several new restaurants that the first years can only afford to smell, Duke has also installed a sound proof study space where you can’t hear people talk about their DukeEngage experience. On the bottom floor, there’s built in WASPy parents in polos and bulging Duke Store bags that raise their sunglasses and squint at every restaurant three times a day. Next semester, it’s projected that there will also be a feature where they will be unnecessarily curt with workers on alternating Thursdays. If you go to the top floor, you can find The Commons, a “premier fine dining restaurant” where tenured faculty can be found using grad students and adjunct professors as footstools. Finally, at the bottom of the West Union, you can find the solid gold middle finger statue erected in remembrance of the money Duke spent building an excessively flashy new dining hall while also insisting it was financially impossible to pay workers on campus a living wage. So, Duke, enjoy your new eateries and remember to check up on The Loop once in awhile. He gets lonely now that APB is gone.

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