As classes came to an end this past May, the majority of Duke students fled from campus in droves, escaping the suffocating humidity and their questionable LDOC choices. Contrary to popular belief, Durham continues to be a place, even without first years hurling in the streets at 2 AM on Saturdays. So, while you were traveling to former colonies to rebrand your instagram for a few months or interning at a financial institution that regularly engineers financial crises, the Department Of team was investigating just what happens in Durham during the summer. Here are our findings:

-The Durham-Chapel Hill area experienced an all-year low of salmon shorts, “Don’t Tread On Me” flags, and Jersey license plates

 

-Oversupply of local weed dealers’ oregano rivals that of OPEC oil glut

 

-The wifi has inexplicably gotten worse somehow?

 

-The Allen Building was outfitted with a better security system

 

-Mr. Brightside was listened to a total of 0 times since the move out deadline

 

-Campus task forces continued doing absolutely nothing, but they did nothing while wearing Hawaiian shirts

 

-The Duke Store added new products, like the “Duke Great Uncle Twice Removed” bumper sticker and the “I am crippled by debt at an institution that’s lack of internal structures to care for an increasingly diversifying student body results in improperly-handled sexual and race-based violence…and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” shirt.

 

-Wall around East Campus raised four feet so first years don’t have to see gentrification

 

-Number of obnoxious glass buildings spiked sharply
-Number of racist Executive Vice Presidents on campus has remained consistent

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