If Duke Admins. had Tinder accounts

 

Larry Moneta

Thank you for taking the time to read this bio…what you should know about me; my friends call me L.Mo. If you swipe right, I have no other incentive to offer you but may or may not be able to hook you up with a snow day…I’m the Vice President of Student Affairs and Tragedy Response Team, so let’s take a moment to recognize the 3 people who were killed in a car bomb in Mosul yesterday.  I cope with the stress of the job by channelling my aggression into inflammatory Facebook statuses.  Apart from that, I have the same diet as a middle aged bunny, and sometimes I just graze on Abele quad because Sprout is overpriced and cheats me out of portion size #theveganlyfechoseme…   

 

(copied and pasted 3x)

 

Valerie Ashby

 

Valerie’s my name, chemistry was my game.  I like my coffee like I like my students: eclectic, bright and not in my lap. #onelessscandal.  I’m the token black administrator.  Some refer to me as Chapel Hill’s Benedict Arnold – I’ll betray the school that gave me everything for a price ($200K)…let’s go Duke!   If I’m not too busy diffusing racial tension on campus, I would love to catch dinner and a movie.  

 

Coach K

Last name pronounced: Shah-shef-ski.  First name pronounced: Mike.  I am highly influential and could probably introduce you to 90% of the NBA if you play your cards right.  I’m almost definitely part of your Wet “Dream Team,” and my championship count is higher than your high school GPA.  If you have a thing for Keebler elf look-alikes, I’m your dude.  A basketball team is like the five fingers on your hand. If you can get them all together, you have a fist. That’s how I want you to [fore]play. ENTJ  

 

Tallman Trask III

First let me hop out the muh f*ckin’ Porsche… I’m a maniac on the streets and a freak in the white sheets.  Slide into my DMs or reach me by post-it note.  I’m not Tallman Trask the third, I just keep a tally mark of the people I’ve hit with my car next to my name…it’s my version of the tear drop.  I like girls who are old-fashioned… who like things the way they used to be.  If you want to get a chance to know me first, join me out on the Trump campaign trail.  

 

Richard Brodhead

Just a Moby Dick looking for his Ahab. My name is a sexual innuendo…Shakespeare would jizz his pants if he knew he could use my name as double entendre. I can’t always find the words to describe myself, so I’ll resort to the comments made by my adoring fans. “Thanks for the headlines” –The Chronicle. “If you’re looking for someone to help destroy your life, look no further”—2006 Duke Men’s Lacrosse Team. “PLEASE STAY AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE” –CGSD, BSA, Mi Gente

 

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