Art by Wei Tan
Department Of: How do you think President Price has done in his first semester as President?
Bryce Cracknell: Uh, better than President Broadhead.
DO: Care to elaborate?
BC: I think his decision to remove General Lee I mean, shows where he lies on things. Our former president I’m sure wouldn’t have made the right decision.
DO: Okay, throwing some shade. What has been your favorite part of Duke and your least favorite part?
BC: My favorite part of Duke that I’ve been able to get involved with is my environmental justice work. Least favorite part of Duke, it’s complicated, but constantly doing a lot of the labor for the administration around issues of justice and talking about injustice on campus. Always, doing that labor.
DO: If elected, who on the Board of Trustees would you try to make your best friend?
DC: Ooh, um, probably Adam Silver. I have some ideas about the NBA. Like he proposed a new tournament to happen in the middle of the season similar to how soccer is. I think that’d be great. Also, because my team, the Hornets, are struggling right now. If there’s any way we can help make them better, I’m for it.
DO: How do you feel about Tiffany Haddish’s Groupon ads?
BC: Ooh, Tiffany Haddish is one of my favorite people. She is hilarious in everything that she does. Groupon, I don’t know what they did. They put her in a box. I was like, this is a Groupon ad, let her just wing the thing. It’ll be far better than whatever scripted crap – trash – they give her.
DO: Okay, marry, fuck, kill: Shooters, Devine’s or an empty parking lot?
BC: Shooters, Devine’s or an empty parking lot. Ooh, wow. This would be so awkward. Um, actually, I’d marry Devine’s. I’m trying to decide whether to kill the parking lot as an environmentalist or kill Devine’s as –
DO: Wait, you just decided to marry Devine’s.
BC: Oh, I’m sorry. Shooters. I did just decide to marry Devine’s. So, oh this is so wrong. This is all so wrong. So not to push on hook-up culture, I’d say I’d fuck the parking lot. And then kill Devine’s – I mean Shooters.
DO: Okay, so you’re an RA.
BC: I am.
DO: What are your thoughts on the housing situation on campus, particularly the new dorms, and getting rid of Central. I know you talk about it a bit on your website.
BC: Just in general?
DO: Whatever you think is most important for a satirical publication to know.
BC: Um, so the new dorm, Trinity, is a gross exaggeration of the worst parts of Duke. Um, so hopefully our new dorms can be less disgustingly luxurious. However, that kitchen looks beautiful.
DO: What’s your sign?
BC: My sign? Like my go to like – ?
DO: This question is whatever you make of it.
BC: So I don’t do the – what are they called? Your birth month. So I was born in March which is the fish, which I know is Pisces now because my friends tell me I need to know these things. But I have no idea what that means. I was also born in 1996 so that is a rat in the Chinese calendar. In terms of signs? I don’t really throw out that many signs. It varies with the day.
DO: Fish and a rat. Good to know.
DO: All of the Young Trustee candidates are unique and interesting and worthy. What makes you the most interesting and unique?
BC: The most interesting and unique… Tell Chinmay I beat him in soccer. I was a kicker for my high school football team senior year. Longest field was 55 yards, that’s pretty unique. Also just in terms of producing institutional results on this campus and actually being a part of a major cultural shift is really what sets me apart on a serious note.
DO: Okay, on a less serious note, actually, I don’t know, this is kind of serious.
BC: We keep flopping back and forth, this is hard to tell.
DO: Do you own any bitcoin?
DO: What do you think of Kylie Jenner’s video to her daughter Stormi?
BC: I haven’t seen it. One of my friends, someone who’s on the campaign, came to me, and they are like, “Oh my god, have you heard the news today?” And I was like, “did someone drop out?” And they’re like, “No, Kylie Jenner just had her baby, and her name”– or what’s the child’s gender, or sex, at the moment?
DO: Female, girl.
BC: “she named her Stormi!” and I’m like, “okay, and?” Apparently, it’s a big deal, and I’m out of the loop. Sorry.
DO: No worries. This is the last portion of our questions, which is a speed round.
BC: Uh, oh.
DO: Mom or dad?
DO: Jake Paul or Logan Paul?
DO: What’s your favorite tide pod flavor?
BC: All natural. I don’t know.